I am not in the place to forgive my bully, or I obviously wouldn’t be writing about this topic. I want my bully to feel my pain, yes I am saying it, I can admit it. I want her to sit in my shoes and feel her using her supervisor position to constantly try to manipulate me, passive-aggressive behaviors, and gaslighting. I am sure by the time I complete writing this; I will attain forgiveness; that’s how God, the Universe (whoever you pray to) works in my life.
I have come to the most in-depth awareness that my life journey was to be a superhero, Super Woman, a Goddess of light in the darkness. I promise I am not losing my mind; I am clear what my purpose in my life is. From the time I was throwing on my superhero cape and running to jump between my stepmother or step-siblings getting beaten by my father. It was my duty; It was my purpose to take the beatings for them, he was my blood, he was my burden, they didn’t ask for this, well neither did I. I could bare the blows, they could not. They would have broken, and I could never be broken, not by the hands of my father, or the hands of this bully supervisor, or for anyone for that matter. My light is intense!
In the past, when I have challenging issues that caused pain, I would run. But my boss, not my supervisor, he was worth sticking around. I wasn’t going to run; I was going to do something different this time. I would stand firm with my cape on and light, you will not run me out. I was going to play the game, and so it began. I played chess for a year and a half, until my final choice to place my queen in the wrong place, she jumped me and took me down, to win the game. F*** ME!!!!! I’ve written the details of this in this blog https://medium.com/@AletaMac/fuc-ona-4205885e2840, again, I’m still processing this, and how this all fell apart in the end because of COVID-19.
My question is, when is it time to let go and forgive? I know from my 25 years of spiritual practice that we must forgive the other, not for them, but to set ourselves free. I know, I know, but I am still angry. I am mad that I feel she won because I got fired. I am stressed that I have no income coming in for the last three weeks because I am fighting for unemployment, during the worst Pandemic we’ve seen in years. I am angry that she told my boss a lie to get me fired. I am mad that my boss is spineless and would not give me a meeting to protect me, no matter how times I asked for one to tell him that I was getting bullied by my supervisor. I am angry that after he fired me by text as if I had not been the best employee to him that he had had in years. I am mad, which means I am sad. I am f****** hurt. My heart hurts.
I have complete clarity on why she chose to be a bully; I always understand why assholes are assholes. Hurt people, hurt people. That’s the challenge of being able to see past abusers behaviors to the deeper side of why a human is behaving negatively or abusively. I had to learn this one when I chose to go through the forgiveness process with my abusive parents. If I could have compassion and see why both of my parents beat me, tortured me, and sexually assaulted me, or let me get sexually assaulted, then I can let go of blaming myself for the abuse. It wasn’t my fault, it is never the victim’s fault, obviously, but an abused person does not feel that way. We blame ourselves for the abuse. This is the freedom in forgiveness. I am reminding myself of this, as I write, this is the key. I know that my parents were both very hurt individuals in severe soul pain. Abuse is passed down from generation to generation. Someone has to be brave enough to stop the cycle of violence, and I did that, I wore my cape, I shined my light!
Narcissism is not in the same category, nor is bullying, yet there’s always a deeper reason why someone is hurting another. It does not permit them to do so! I had to learn, (I am reminding myself of this as I write) I can be compassionate, understanding and forgiving, but I don’t have to put up with disrespect or abuse in any way.
I understand that my bully was insecure, seeking power over me, she could see that I could see through her, thus felt she had to overpower me. She could see that I was not a sheep, and I was not going to follow her, like her other two out of 8 employees, on the team. I see all the reasons for human behavior, but, yes, but, as I sit here writing to get this out of my psyche, she came into my life for a reason. She came into my life for me to be able to prove to myself that I could play the game and not let her control me by getting me to crack emotionally with her abuse. I won that, self-love, self-protection, and that’s a WIN.
Dear bully,
I forgive you, to set myself free, I can do that now, it’s the power of writing and letting go spiritually. I know you’re insecure, a martyr, and need to seek power by bullying others. I know you put all of these doings on your plate with your family, your job, your other business, to be able to be martyred, it helps you feel necessary. I see your pain, you want to be seen, appreciated for all that you do. I see you love to bitch about how much you have to do, to be a martyr. I understand that your actions to continue to eat unhealthy and compromise your health, becoming obese, it’s an excuse. I see you bully, I see you for who you are. I forgive you for making my work environment miserable for me daily, for creating more PTSD for a survivor of child abuse that already has PTSD. I forgive you for lying to our boss to get me fired, to feel as though you won and gain power. I forgive my boss for being spineless and being one more person in my life that did not protect me, no matter how many times I begged you to see the abuse. I forgive my boss for believing my manager over me because he is spineless and cannot confront people. I forgive my boss for acting out of fear, making a horrible decision to bring an employee back to work the next day after telling the entire team that she was not allowed to return until she had a COVID-19 test. I forgive my boss for firing me through text because he has fear of confrontation. I forgive my boss for not being able to run his practice in a manner that gives safety to its employees, and puts his head in the sand as if nothing is wrong. I forgive my boss, because he’s a fearful man, who is trying to do his best with what he has, he’s afraid.
I RELEASE YOU BOTH; I FORGIVE MY BULLY! YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME ANY LONGER. KARMA!
