AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FRIEND, AN EMMY-NOMINEE

Dear Mike —

Congrats! You’re nominated for an Emmy! I’m not usually one to post emotional things on social media, but this hits so close to home that I had to post something. Especially since I also work in Hollywood — and more importantly, we met once. As you bask in the glow of your success, I can only think about one thing — inserting myself into your narrative. This is huge for us.

We took a picture together back in 2013, and I’m posting it on all my social media accounts with the caption: “Always believed in this one!” It’s a simple way for me to hoard a small ray of your shine and parlay it into my own success. Hard work resonates with my followers, so your pic fits perfectly into my brand grid. God, this may even get me verified. In an attempt to lessen the desperation and sadness of digging up such an ancient photo, I will put a playful #TBT #WhereDoesTheTimeGo.

To jog your memory about where we met, and became friends (I tell everyone we’re friends) — It was five summers ago, on the set of my ex-roommate’s TV pilot. You were acting (obvi), and I was dropping off my ex-roommate’s phone charger. While you were rehearsing a pivotal scene, I was escorted over and asked for a picture, and you responded by dropping everything to take one with me. Even though you weren’t famous yet (just killing it in a ton of commercials), I knew you’d be a star, and one day, I could milk a bit of your hard work for my own adulation. I have a real knack for clocking a teat ripe for the suckling.

That night after I left the set, I followed and unfollowed you on Instagram for two weeks before you followed me back. You’re so busy. BTW, did you not get my ‘Congrats!’ DM? I had to tag and untag you multiple times last week until you saw it and gave it a like. My therapist says I should have more open palms in our friendship, but she doesn’t get show business; how every connection regardless of how small is an opportunity for success. But honestly, I think that’s a ‘her’ thing.

Anyway, now that you’re nominated for an Emmy I’m gonna include a link to my Kickstarter with our pic, and tag a few celebrity’s production companies you work with so they can easily find my work with the knowledge that we’re friends, therefore they should work with me too. Tyra Banks was discovered in an airport, so it’s not insane for me to think I could get a big-budget feature film deal through this Instagram post.

BTW, I love staying in touch by smashing that like button on all your Instagram posts and commenting with #Yaaas and #GetItGirl! It feels great when you reply with just an emoji!

Congrats again on your Emmy nomination, and I can’t wait to see what the future has in store for us!

Sincerely,

YOUR FRIEND

Co-written by MIKE GLAZER (Mglaze33@gmail.com)

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