The start of my anxiety journey.

First and foremost, I am not depressed — nor am I suicidal. I suffer with social anxiety disorder and panic attacks.

In all honesty, I haven't suffered with this for a long time — but the effect it has had on my life has been astounding.

So I'm a normal 30 year old woman. A mum, a girlfriend, a worker. My anxiety was triggered by a work incident, basically a manager of mine — lets call her Jane, shouted at me so loudly in an open plan office. I should say Jane lacks any sort of people management skills and empathy. But this right there was the catalyst for my panic attacks. It may sound trivial to you, but I think this was the straw that broke the camels back.

This was approximately 8 months ago. Ever since then, I have been embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone how I was feeling. Although looking back now — it must have been obvious. Every time someone would speak to me, I could feel the panic rising from within. It would start at the tip of my fingers, I could feel the blood rushing up my body until reaching my face. My whole body would be beetroot red — my skin would feel on fire, but worse still I couldn't breath — everything would be closing in on me and I would need to leave.

I spent most of my time in the toilets, trying to control my breathing and make myself go remotely white again — concealer was my best friend.

I managed to laugh it off for a long time. I told people that I had a virus, or a temperature or that I was even post menopausal?! Until one day I couldn't take it any more. I had been off work due to an operation on my legs, the day I was due back to work, I went into the office as normal. Everybody was so kind, but I couldn't cope with the constant questions and people looking at me. This sent me into the biggest panic attack I have ever had to this date. A lovely co-worker realised what was wrong and I finally admitted my ‘secret’.

Now to this day, no one hardly knows. My close friends that I have told have been shocked. ‘You are so confident’ they say ……… if only they knew!

So the reason I am writing this, is because I spent many a day and night — trawling through the internet and you tube — desperately trying to find people like me and to try and find a ‘cure’. I haven’t found one yet, but I have tried and tested many things.

Each post I will describe a new technique or product that I have used and how it has made me feel.

Just to be clear, I am keeping this as anonymous as I want to be as open and honest as I can with you.

If you have any tips, advice, products or book suggestions — please let me know.

Alice