It’s not even that I want to raise my hand and add my trauma to the tally. Spend some time with me and you realize quickly that I am that statistic.
But we live in a world where we want to believe when a victim finds their voice there is healing and justice for them. I am a testimony to reality that when you find your voice…..predators will attempt to silence you and the powerful, male dominated system you are forced to navigate will aide them. And those who help monsters will step back and tell themselves it cannot happen to them nor those they love.
Twenty-four police reports and another dozen calls that did not end in reports spanning back years before the end of the fairy tale facade and before the nightmare of Wonderland descended upon me stand testimony to my truth. Four referrals to the DV shelter over those years, and yet I never heard those words and referrals until I had to gather the evidence myself and saw it on the outside with clear eyes.
The investigating detective wrote that I had no evidence of assault. I told his supervisor that was impossible. Bruises were visible to the naked eye two weeks later, there was no way their infrared camera found nothing sooner than that. They never bothered to get the forensic evidence the crisis center gathered. When they finally did because I demanded it, they then stated all of the damage, the damage they previously swore never existed, was done in the second assault… cutting off any chance of using the evidence in the district that would have gone after him for the first assault otherwise.
I have been placed in handcuffs for refusing to be silenced. As the court bailiffs cuffed me, I quietly told them this is exactly why women do not speak and do not fight back. They, like a few in the ranks of the Blue, showed compassion and shame at the role they play in this nightmare. Because all of the powerful cuff me, threaten me with jail over and over again because I refuse to be silenced. But no one cares what he did to me, what he continues to do to me and my children.
I am ordered to tell nothing to anyone because children might hear…..as if children were not there experiencing it with me in the first place.
But he is never ordered to stop abusing, stop stalking, stop harassing, stop telling a lie about me being the abuser, stop trying to take my children and give back the ones he stole. I am at fault because he abused me. I am at fault because the children were collateral damage to his abuse. I am at fault while he steals all of the assets and lies about me to everyone he meets.
I sat in handcuffs and he smirked. Because I spoke, it was decided that my voice existed meant children might see it. Funny how monstrous behaviors are never held up the same standard just as I was not allowed to present my defense of his stalking me to find anything. It was not the first nor last time I have been threatened with jail for refusing to be silent.
At 16, I was silent when I was raped. Too stunned and ashamed to know what to do, I swore if ever it happened again I would never be silent again.
He raped me brutally, sadistically and repeatedly until I fought back physically and launched him across a room. In that moment, something snapped and I was done with silence. Children grow up and courts grow weary. Money mismanaged runs out. But my voice will always be here. I may be stuck in Wonderland but it is the monster who needs to fear because not even handcuffs and jail will silence me this time. You raped me. I always thought a second rape was the one thing I could never survive. You did too. That’s why you did it. You thought it would destroy me.
Two predators have raped me in my life. One clumsy and young only did so once. The other launched a war and rape was merely his weapon of choice. He hoped to demolish Hiroshima with his atomic bomb. Instead, he unleashed a mutant survivor who will never stop fighting back.