Parenting evaluation
So I went to the new center. Its always a new one, because no one ever wants to believe the words of the one before that emphatically state that I AM A GOOD MOTHER WHO SHOULD NOT BE SEPERATED FROM MY CHILDREN!
I paid the $127 I did not have. But hey, the first evaluation was $300. The forensic psychological evaluation was $3500. The CPS evaluation was free, but they buried it for six months and used it to target me specifically so that wasn’t any better. And the ASD specific eval was $400. So I guess in the scheme of things, this one was cheap. However, given the court has not once in 2.5 years required MM to financially support me, despite the fact I was a stay at home mother with NO INCOME for 18 years, every dime I am forced to pay out as I struggle to recover financially is painful. And this week that was all of the grocery money I had for me and the adult children he abandoned. Every time I think about it I start to shut down and hyperventilate. I literally have no money to feed my children now. But I have another court ordered evaluation accomplished. Why change priorities now?
It was very clear he had already done his evaluation when I got there. This does not surprise me. It is a consistent pattern he has demonstrated since the start of this nightmare. And, actually, I am not certain he understands that it would be better if he let me go first. He is never consistent with his lies. Thus, each time an evaluator presents me with a new string of lies, I given an honest reaction of confusion and disbelief all over again. And I was quite surprised with some of the lies he attempted to weave into this evaluation. But I am a terrible liar. When they confront me with the newest edition of bizarre lies, I always respond with stunned disbelief as I correct misinformation with what the facts actually are.
Item 1: He has finally done what I knew he was trying to create for a long time. He is attempting to assert that I am transphobic and I am actively attempting to attack Euterpe’s entire identity. When fabricating that lie, it is probably not wise to omit that you started a 15 year old on TESTOSTERONE without even telling the child’s mother much less her consent. There is a huge controversy on giving hormone therapy to minors even amongst those who work with transgendered health. The monster crafted a claim that I am transphobic but failed to mention what he did. That’s not a small omission but a MASSIVE omission. And judging by her response to the information, not only do I suspect the interviewer is opposed to the practice herself but she immediately grasped my concerns AND why that was a bad idea in the deep south. She was also surprised that I have a vast LBGTQIA+ community and that I am very conscious and careful in my interactions with this particular child and how I approach Euterpe to prevent Euterpe from finding any reaction I give a self fulfilling prophesy of my rejection of their personhood.
Item 2: He manipulated Reuben to moving in with him just before the failed attempt at a final trial. I had assumed it was because of his bankruptcy issue. Without a second adult, he could only keep one vehicle. Furthermore, he makes FAR too much to qualify for bankruptcy so he needed all of the dependents he could muster to try to fraudulently quality for chapter 7. He lost his third car and had to file a forced addendum to his bankruptcy around the time he was supposed to have it discharged. I am actually assuming that he was forced into Chapter 13 afterall. However, I new when his THIRD car disappeared that he has trapped Reuben there for six months after the discharge of his bankruptcy. And if he was forced into Chapter 13, that is five years from now.
The interview directly informed me that he manipulated Reuben to move in so that Reuben can be his nanny now. His previous nanny was clearly his newest mark he had identified. A local friend let her mother know who and what he was, and she disappeared less than 3 months after she showed up. I had not considered it was for childcare. It makes sense. MM manipulated for Reuben to lose his college scholarship and was forced to come back home when he went to college away from home. It did not make sense to me at the time but Calliope overheard MM do it. That was about childcare that time too. I had not assumed that was what it was this time, but it does make sense. I am thinking if the evaluator is telling ME this matter of factually, then either the idiot admitted it, or she already figured that one out. Either way, that’s gonna go BAD for him on this evaulation.
Item 3: He brought up the same claim that has been used for two years….that children’s therapists recommended contact be cut with me. Except…that never happened. The GAL filed it in court two years ago, and admitted in chambers she never spoke to those therapists when she filed it (despite claiming she had in her filing). At the time she filed it, the therapists were still speaking to me, and I knew exactly what they were recommending which was the exact OPPOSITE of that claim. Unless therapists have put such recommendations in writing, there is no evidence any therapist has changed their position in the last two years. And there are NO written recommendations by ANY therapists making such claims. There is only one therapist I would imagine would do that, and I am filing a complaint against her. She is the one MM brought into the case when he stole the children and her entire purpose has been to destroy their attachment to me. I have a strong case in the ethics complaint against her, including audio of both of them that shows she colludes with him to remove me from the youngest two children’s lives. She has been on the case for 8 months and I will challenge her opinions and motivation if she ever actually is stupid enough to put something in writing even remotely like what he is claiming.
This information surprised the evaluator. She was saucer-eyed to hear that the court has REFUSED to communicate with anyone who knew this family prior to this divorce no matter how many times I have requested it be done.
Item 4: He told her NOTHING about children and school attendance. Granted, he believes he is so slick no one will catch him this year. he has completely blocked me from accessing any of the children’s school records. But this is because he allowed two children to drop out of school last year, and saved his own ass from truancy only because he finally manipulated to get them put on homebound, which they proceeded to FAIL several of their classes even that way. This year, he put one of those two children into private school and the other into online school. Euterpe is the one in online school, the one being required to raise the children for him. Evaluator got EXACTLY the same concerns I have. He has successfully removed all mandated reporters from the life of the most vulnerable child of all. The one in private school currently has a 50% attendance rate…in less than one month of school. And this year, a third child is trying to drop out of school.
Item 5: Dan started having a 50% attendance rate at school the DAY MM blocked his access to me during the night. This information both demonstrates he is attempting to alienate children from me continually…but it also inadvertently brought up another detail he conceals. If MM bothers to even be HOME at night, then he goes to bed at 9pm, locks his bedroom door and the children are forbidden from bothering him during the night, not even if the house is one fire. The kitchen was actually on fire the week before school. Euterpe was required to manage it and MM never bothered to come out and assist at all. Saucer eyes again.
Item 6: She asked if I have ever been arrested. This is a set up if ever there was a set up. In fact, the arrest that MM and Clio’s therapist accomplished is the ONLY evidence MM has to attempt to assert that I am not a fit mother and should not be permitted around my children. The arrest for walking while autistic…the one printed in a national news magazine, with audio that has not been revealed to the court nor police yet, and three civil rights attorneys who want to take the case after the criminal charges are addressed. Probably not the best evidence to argue I am an unfit mother. For starters, the cop involved already demonstrated he will NEVER testify for MM after ignoring the subpoena to the attempted trial this spring. For another, the cop falsified a police report, for which I have the audio that proves it. he knows it, and I know it. My divorce attorney does not want the divorce court to hear the audio because they will not understand how I was intentionally provoked into an autistic meltdown by the therapy center and so-called nanny. She is concerned the court will only hear my meltdown and condemn me for it. However, the encounter with the cop is entirely different. By the time the cop arrived there was no meltdown. I never resisted, I never behaved inappropriate whatsoever with the police. And the cop was stupid enough to not only mock me for being autistic but declared I had no civil rights at all….on audio.
There went his ONLY evidence of my being an unfit mother.
Item 7: As anticipated, he put his sexual perversions out there in the forefront. He just failed to mention how many partners he parades around my children, how often he leaves his sex toys out for them to discover, nor anything about his primary partner and her delight in deliberately exposing children to her sexual behaviors. Saucer eyes and frantic note writing.
He also continues to attempt to claim that I have the same sexual proclivities as him. This evaluator far better than any before her, understood almost immediately the sexual abuse I endured at his hands, the FORCED “consent” to his behaviors to try to stay alive and protect my children.
But then, there is a difference when he tells the story of the end of the marriage and when I tell it. And he has finally settled into one story that I can predict most of what he will say. MM claims that everything which occurred in our marriage was mutual and I consented to all of it. He maintains that two years prior to the end, I lost half my body weight which caused a change in my personality. And that Spring 2016, I had a total personality change, became abusive, became a narcissist just like my mother and changed my entire story of our marriage and my consent and fabricated that I was not a party to his behaviors.
I am very honest. I know now that the BDSM world SAVED MY LIFE. After I was dragged there kicking and screaming and trying to stay alive, because I had already slipped up and told him I was leaving, it was that world which taught me what consent really IS. When he raped me, he was never able to gaslight me like he did the two other times something identical had happened in our marriage, because I knew INSTANTLY it was rape this time. But no, I was never comfortable nor did I ever want to be in that world. And all of the evidence he has presented merely affirms my story about what happened.
I can state the date I knew I had to leave, the very day I caught him cheating the first time, and he later confessed to approximately 50 women then. And I can state the date I knew I was done and started the countdown, the day I told him because I thought I was being kind and giving him warning, except the physical abuse began escalating instantly and never stopped until I got free. I can also state the day I KNEW he was abusive the first time in our marriage. It was the day after our wedding. And as usual, he forgot to mention how deeply religious we were when we married, how deeply religious we still were when I caught him cheating the first time. It was the church’s response to the abuse and the cheating that played a major role in why I stayed so long. I had to escape religious dogma and control before I could escape the abuse itself. He said NOTHING of our deeply religious conservative roots, our years as quiverful, our adoptions as part of our living our conservative faith beliefs.
Saucer eyes, but also lots and lots of nodding. Lots of note taking regarding the years of homeschooling, the years I was a stay at home mother, the years he WAS NEVER AROUND. By this point, she was asking pointed questions that indicated she understood instantly the background itself and not this being details she was fed by him. In fact, it appears he omitted ALL of that information with her. She had no idea we were conservative Christian for so long, no idea I was a stay at home mother for all 18 years of our marriage, no idea that I homeschooled and the last child entered public school only the very same spring he left me.
Item 8: She asked me how have I managed to preserve my bond with two of the children at this point. I assured her that the bond is fragile and with both children is starting to show signs that it will be broken if things are not corrected soon. But I went over the ways I attempt to reach them, to hold onto them, to parent in what minor ways I can through electronic methods and letters and small things I send them. She was shocked I have managed to hold onto those relationships so long under such horrible circumstances.
It then came out regarding the letters. He did not tell her anything about my efforts to reach ALL of my children. he certainly did not tell her I send weekly letters to all of them. She asked me whether I knew if they were getting any of those letters. I told her I knew they were getting at least some of them, because MM had attempted to get the GALs to forbid my sending them last month, with the same lie that the therapists have recommended no contact with me. I told her how I had used the online program for the two for a long time but stopped because I felt it was not healthy for them to invoke the responses it caused. I told her how I had to wait for the judge to bless the contact for safety. I told her what I write, what I discuss with the two who still have relationships with me. I told her the research I do, the experts I consult, the care I take in reaching out to them. And I told her what MM’s response to the judge’s orders a year ago to reach out to the two he abandoned was.
There was not saucer eyes on this one. There was flashes of anger and tears. I may be terrible with non-verbal social cues. But I am hyperempathetic and notice ALL of the cues of deep internal emotions in minute details.
We did talk about the CPS case. We discussed how they called me rude and with poor social skills. She asked me if I WAS rude. I told her I didn’t know. I never thought I was. However, part of what they cited was that I was only focused on talking about my children. Well that is the ONLY reason they are even in my life. I have no interest in facilitating relationships with them. I only care about taking care of my babies. And I was highly reactionary and traumatized back then. But I as a good mother even then. I explained to her my safety measures I use now to ensure those things that happened back when I was so traumatized and reactionary don’t happen now, especially around my children. Her response was, “It sounds like you have developed excellent coping mechanisms to function and navigate the challenges now.” Yeah. I guess you could phrase it that way, even if I never thought of it that way.
Given where I am, finances are the ONLY manner in which these evaluations can hurt me. I guess now I wait to see how skilled this supposed trauma specialized center is able to recognize what he is doing and see through his facade to the real damage he is doing to my children.
She did ask me did I think relationships can be repaired with the two stolen children. I told her absolutely YES. They had strong bonds with me before they were taken. Clio, whom he alienated only very recently (and she looked furious when she heard the real story of how that alienation was set up) there is no doubt in my mind that two days and she will start to recover, but only if she is forced to interact with me for two days. The other two will take longer and more work. But they were deeply bonded to me before all of this. What they need is time to interact with me to remember who I really am and to challenge what they have been told about me. She used the word brainwashing. I refused to use it. I KNOW what those two were told, because it was done to Calliope and Simeon first. However, Calliope and Simeon maintained contact with me and quickly realized what was happening for that reason. That was how he learned that Levi and Euterpe had to have ALL contact with me cut off for it to work. And if the court would find the courage to ENFORCE visitation and custody orders and require the children to be with me, with time, they will remember who I am and that I love them, and they will recover. But they won’t so long as this alienation and abuse is sanctioned by the court itself.
At the end of the day, I spoke from my heart. I was honest. I challenged my love and my fear for my children. And I was honest and passionate in telling her that I want this war ended, and I want all of my children to have access to both of their parents, and to believe that both parents love them unconditionally, regardless of whether I believe it is true, because that is what my children NEED. All that matters to me is my children. And my children need both parents. I have no interest in erasing him, as he claims I do even while he attempts to erase me. She nodded vigorously with me.
If she is experienced in abuse and trauma dynamics then all of this was instantly clear to her, and she might be able to help us. if not, its just going to be another person wringing their hands admitting I am good mother but they have no idea how to fix the mess that has been made.
