Here’s a list of things I thought I would accomplish in life before starting a family:

  • Get my PhD (in what, who knows? I just want people to call me Doctor).
  • Write a successful food blog reviewing only the most gourmet pasta salad, ranch dressing, and mac and cheese in the world.
  • Become an Olympic show jumper with my trusty steed Carl
  • Prove that redheads CAN become Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders
  • Go on the Bachelor, win his heart, and crush his final rose under my Jimmy Choo stiletto #FEMINISM
  • Open a savings account

What can I say? I’m a dreamer. But when I was holding that stick (far away from my face, cause you know, URINE) and saw the faintest pink line, I couldn’t help but feel like my dreams/life/bank account were all about to come crashing down around me.

I should probably mention that I’m not exactly 16 and pregnant here. I am (mostly) an adult, married to an amazing and supportive life partner, and I kick ass daily in a great career that I’m really proud of. I like to generally think that I grab life by the balls and have most of my shit figured out. But that little pink line threw me for a loop, man.

I’m now five months pregnant and let me tell you, this is about as far from Mila Kunis baby bump cute as you can possibly get. If you are like me, you watch E News/Bravo/other trashy network here and see adorable celebrities starting their families and you think “damn, she looks amazing. Maybe there’s something to this baby thing.” STOP RIGHT THERE. It’s all (mostly) a lie.

I’ll admit, I know nothing about parenting, but if you’re thinking about starting a family and want real homegirl style advice on what pregnancy is like, you’re in the right place. I will keep it real, keep it 100, and please keep those donuts coming cause pickles are gross. Throw out your “What to Expect” book (okay, don’t throw it out, that book is pricey and does contain some useful medical information blah blah whatever), turn off E News, and buckle up cause it’s about to be a wild 9 months.

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