Ten Ridiculous Job Titles that Will Make You Miss The Good Ole’ Days (Once Again)

Remember when jobs were called what they actually were? Sorry, but when did we start employing these ridiculous, glorified titles; these long euphemisms of what they aren’t? Maybe Walt Disney’s Imagineers were the catalyst for the movement, but I’m just not sure he would be proud of where it’s gone. (Forget the Chief Whatever Officers and Social Media Badasses abound, I’m talking about job titles that are actually supposed to be taken seriously; also forget “Apple Geniuses” — because, just forget it.)

Here are some examples of what I’m talking about, as well as postulations of how they came to be and a few future name possibilities or suggestions.

1. Mailman → Carrier

Theory: Possibly attributed to political correctness as “mailwoman” sounds strange and “mail” is just not sophisticated; carrier, on the other hand conveys a notion of importance. And, this is federal business!
Future name: Personal Documentation Distributor (PDD)

2. Headhunter/Recruiter → Talent Acquisition Specialist

Theory: “Headhunter” is too condescending for people who make upwards of $100k a year for schmoozing with clients and scrolling through databases — and imagine, they control our future. Not discounting their work — it definitely takes a certain kind!
Future title: Future of American King of the Elitists (FAKE)

3. Realtor → Relocation Specialist

Theory: Their clients are relocating after all, but why do we have to get complicated? These people — for the most part — are hustlers and that’s all there is to it. Mad props!
Future title: House Hustler

4. Receptionist → Director of First Impressions

Theory: Make a historically easy job feel important to the person who is doing seemingly easy things. Impressions are everything — not (money is). However, these people are gatekeepers and get nothing for it!
Future title: Chief Door Officer (CDO)

5. Salesman/Salesperson → Account Manager

Theory: No of course, they’re never trying to sell you something. Instead they’ll pretend they’re always here for you and call themselves Account Mangers. It’s a real grind though, mad respect!
Future: Lifetime [pretend to] Care Consultant (LCC)

6. Paperboy → Media Distributor

Theory: Technically he/she is distributing media and not to mention it is often not a boy — and not necessarily a girl either. They aren’t on bikes anymore? Are they? Wait, has anyone ever seen one? Do they come out of the ground and do their paper route and then go into hiding again until the next morning?
Future: N/A (Defunct job, there is no such thing as printed paper)

7. Nurse → Modality Manager

Theory: What in the hell is a modality? And what sick person is going to ask for this seven syllable thing? Bring back the nurse!
Future: Nurse (please)

8. Store Clerk → Model

Theory: People need to understand when they say they are “in the retail business” that we know this really means you fold clothes aka you’re a sales clerk. Just say it for what it really is — be proud! I was there once, too!
Future: Brand Ambassador Extraordinaire [Nanny]

9. Lifeguard/Pool Person → Wet Leisure Assistant

Theory: Isn’t a stripper technically the same thing then? Is the person holding the ping pong rackets the dry leisure assistant? Super cool job, though!
Future: Vitamin D Advocate

10. Recent College Graduate → CEO

Theory: The ultimate best though is when you are CEO of your own company, at the ripe age of 22. After months of not finding a job or after your first unsuccessful gig, people fail to realize that if they actually want clients they need to make themselves an employee of some elusive company unrelated to them.
Future: N/A (Unemployed)