Aspiring Star Demands Equal Harassment From Moguls

AS MORE AND MORE shocking revelations squirt forth like pus from a well-squeezed carbuncle about the sexual improprieties of rich and famous men, especially in the notorious film and television industry, one aspiring star is feeling left out.

And, she claims, it’s causing her considerable mental distress.

Claris Visikian wants to know why Harvey, Bill (both of them), Woody and Donald, among hundreds of others, have failed to lay a hand on her, open doors dressed only in bathrobes, massage her shoulders, invite her into their boudoirs, plunge their tongues down her throat, honk her breasts or even graze, never mind grab her pussy.

“Not even Rolf!” she said, referring bitterly to the disgraced Australian entertainer who was recently released from a UK jail after serving three years of a five-year sentence for indecent assault.

“Soon as I heard Rolf was out I flew to London but he wouldn’t see me. Apparently he was re-tuning his wobble board.”

Ms Visikian added, “I’m beginning to think I’m just too ugly, too fat, you know? I’m definitely resonating with Mayim, though I don’t actually keep my sexual self too, you know, hidden.”

MS VISIKIAN’S ACTING CAREER hasn’t been entirely forestalled. As so many aspirantes have done before her, she has appeared in numerous commercials, mostly as vegetation, once as a mango.

She says that everywhere she turns she runs into actresses who have been massaged, groped, grabbed and tonsil-tickled.

“I spent a lot of money on tonsil reconstruction, you know, just so some predatory producer could tickle them,” she said.

All to no avail.

“I know, like, five, ten, thirty-seven other actresses and they’ve all been hit on, you know? And they know tons of others who’ve had the same experiences.”

Ms Visikian said that she now felt “ostrich-sized” and had considered resuming her previous career as a mechanical engineer.

She said she had never felt as left out in the engineering industry because most engineers didn’t know the difference between a woman and Vernier callipers, and she was just one of the boys.

Asked if she’d considered volunteering as an altar girl in the Catholic Church, Ms Visikian’s eyes suddenly sparkled.

“Why not, hun,” she said, “cos right now I must be the only female actor in Hollywood who’s not getting sexually harassed.”

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