A Private Identity Crisis

When someone gives you the feeling, the knowledge, the intention, of knowing exactly who you are — it can either be a blessing in disguise (in that , they instill an unexpected sense of confidence in you) — or it can be a debilitating curse (in that, if that person defines you with characteristics and with an identity that you yourself do not accept or agree with, you can lose your entire sense of being, existence, categorization and identity as a whole).
One of the most thought-provoking yet painful quotes I have ever heard was one of Meredith Grey’s intriguing quotes from Grey’s Anatomy:
“Those who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.”
Similarly, I am in love with one of the quotes from the movie, Divergent movie:
“The future belongs to those who know where they belong” — Jeanine Matthews
(Whenever I saw Jeanine, it was as if my mind was still watching Rose from Titanic. I could not see Kate Winslet or Jeanine underneath the character; all I saw was Rose.)
Except, it’s the kind of love that scares me, keeps me up at night long after I’ve flopped onto the covers, that keeps me in a fruitless mode of contemplation that arrives at no conclusions except the most obvious one:
That I don’t know what I want, and that I don’t know where I belong.
The one thing that I, thankfully, do know and am eternally grateful for:
I do know the things I do not want, and I do know the places/careers/companies where I do not belong. I also know where, even though I would belong, I would rather not, just for the sake of my own well-being.
Often, that piece of knowledge never suffices for me, comparing to everyone’s acute “sense of career direction” and planned out four-year plans, and six-year plans, ready with refined personal statements for their graduate, medical and law schools (all six — or more — of each).
But sometimes, it does.
