All I wanted was to be able to play Football

The insatiety of humans is common knowledge, how we always seek for what it is we do not have or, more likely, cannot have. The urge to be normal, to be like other kids, to play football, was my first dream. Kids around me could play ball, dance, run, fight. All I knew how o do was dodge during catcher or tag or Police & thief or Open Kolo, whichever you call it, and tell stories.

Oh sure, I was a little good at the books too, studying them, not writing, but then so also were many others and they could run faster, fight and play ball.

In a pack, just as is always wont when young boys walk together, I was never Alpha. Not even Beta. I was barely two rungs above Omega. I was pack mascot, the wide-eyed kid with the large head, the loud laugh and the nose always full of sniffles. I think a lot about those old days now, all the things I did, didn’t do and wished I could have. And sure, I have regrets. Lots.

I have tried to rebrand my life a number of times since; with every opportunity, every change, every new step on the ladder of life. The thing is, there is a lot to be said for formative experiences, and while it is no longer de riguer to play the blame game on anyone or anything, I do think a many of those old experiences; playing the fiddle to another man’s tune, fused in a kind of mindset difficult to get out of.

Knowing is the first step right?

So this is me, and I am starting to learn all about life all over again. Not exactly the best time to, but no time like the present eh? I have a number of things I have to learn to do, against my usual instincts. If I want to succeed that is.

I have always identified my goal for success as having simply enough for me, my family, and all who ask for my help when in need. These days, I don’t even know if I believe that. Will I truly be satisfied? Ever?

I used to simply want to be able to play football. But I am insatiable! I still cannot play football, at least not as well as some of the wolves I range with now, and certainly not without wheezing and puffing and lying in bed for hours after.

The true power of fear is in immobility. The mindset entraps you, subjects you and your ambitions, raises obstacles and perceived threats. For you see, in any venture you are sure to meet opposition, even if it is the simple motion of the wind in your face. Fear magnifies that opposition, so you sit within; staring out the window but afraid to go out. Humans however are dynamic and left alone, you will push, against your fear and into the opposition. But that is not all.

The secret power of fear is in options; the presentation of alternatives, second rate avenues deemed preferable, safer, less tasking, but never as fulfilling.

I am learning more about life. A pity I started twenty-four years too late. But damn it, I’ve started.

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