For me , it’s really simple why I needed my first long term relationship that started at 16 and ended at 19.
Honestly I was a wild child and the emotional lessons didn’t come till my next relationship ; a month after I ended that first one. Lol.
In my 20s relationship i made all the mistakes but I truly loved him. I love him to this day, it’s just muted.
It’s the way you love the music of your childhood. It’s not what you listen to every day, but every time that song comes on, you smile and sing along. It stays with you. You will die loving those songs.
That’s how all my real loves have been. They are a part of me, always. I will die with all of them carved in my heart.
I think the first time I really loved, or was really able to, had to be then. In my 20s.
My teen boyfriend , although a few years older than me, felt like love at first . For the entire relationship really.
Then one day I woke up and didn’t have a speck of feelings for him.
I was utterly over it and hadn’t even tried.
But what did he teach me? That teen relationship?
Sex and more sex. Role playing. 3somes, sex in public places in broad day light. The most experimental, wild and fun sex. Down for anything sex.
They were lessons that I needed to learn.
The lesson I learned from my first love in my early 20s?
I devestated both of those men. Both of them walked away from me and never were the same again. I took from them their innocence and their gentleness. On accident.
I firmly believe that many men , start out kinder and more generous than most women. Then they get that sweet heart broke and turn into the assholes that seem to surround us as we get older.
How many women have I heard lament that men are callused and don’t want a relationship when women are ready to settle down?
I feel like I’m partly to blame. For that. They were great when we weren’t ready and then they were terrible when we were ready.
I had to make amends to both those men after I got sober.
The first boyfriend told me every day on our aborted babies due date he remembers. He told me I was the only women he didn’t cheat on and after me he became an Asshole. He wanted to try again. I had no feelings for him. At all. But I was utterly sad that I had affected him to that degree.
The second man, is a cold hard rock around me.
We kissed and fireworks went off and then he looked at me and said
You fucked my best friend.
( he had left for another city to play In a band and he told me I could go with but I had to give up heroin and alcohol. I said no. I didn’t think he would leave. He did anyways and the day he left in the morning he didn’t say goodbye. I woke up to an empty house and walked out on the driveway and fell to my knees crying. He refused to speak to me. See me. I have never been as heartbroken for as long. I went to see his best friend to mourn him. To remember him. To be close to him. I fucked him because I was high as a kite and just wanted to fill my mind with anything else.)
The best lesson I ever learned was how to get over people. To let them go.
But that real love you know, you just gotta sing along.