So this was such a great piece. You are wildly talented.
Feelings are not wrong. Feelings can’t be tamed.
Feelings won’t kill you.
See I think some people have a chemical imbalance and need meds. They really do.
Other people don’t and just use them to manage a life they can’t accept or feelings that they can’t accept.
The most important thing to know is that — we are not supposed to feel good all the time. We are also not supposed to act good all the time. We are supposed to make mistakes and be human.
Once you can accept that, that you won’t be perfect and won’t feel good , that’s half the struggle. I really think what causes the most pain is thinking that what you're feeling or doing is wrong. Sometimes it is, and we admit it and apologize and move on. Try to do different — but that means think different.
None of us are perfect and none of us are perfectly composed all the time.
The most insane people to me are the ones that expect the world and its peoples to act the way they think they should.
The world and its peoples, just like you and your heart, are not tame.
It never will be.
I had to become really not important. I also had to realize that the most important thing I do is love people, not them love me. I have to love them, for whatever it is they are, and sometimes people do things or act a certain way and I can’t love them the way they deserve to be loved, so I have to step back and away.
This is a really intense and crazy process, how to be ok and live.
I needed a teacher , a mentor , someone to help me through it, and i had to be willing to go totally fucking insane , because i did and do.
Essentially for me, I had to go on a spiritual journey… because this life would kill me if I took it too seriously. If I thought this reality mattered. It does to a certain point, but it couldn’t be the most important thing , and it def couldn’t be the thing that I expected to take care of me. Or love me. Or be there for me.
Because the thing with humans is, is they hurt. They lie. They cheat. They disappoint me. They take my heart and stomp on it. All the time.
So I had to invest my heart in something else that wouldn’t hurt.
That’s different for everyone and even atheists and agnostics have to have something that they believe in that is not humans… because you can’t believe or expect anything from humans … that will crush you faster than anything.
I used to go to a sweat lodge every week, on the Indian reservation. You have to be invited and it was a traditional sweat, so not so easy to get invited too, but find something like that. Some kind of thing that forces you to focus on the spiritual or meditative side of life.
It’s the only way to make it through this mess.