I don’t ever think people need to get over themselves.. we have a right to our pain.
Its when we use that pain to justify the same exact behavior that hurt us in the first place…
Maybe the hypocritical aspect bothers me..
I think Ive tried my entire life to take what I saw and do different , to be who I wished the world was. Or at least Ive tried to do it. Its like we become defeated people when we join the ranks of the enemy .. when we become them.
Ive been in some toxic relationships.. and I admit i sort of pride myself on my behavior with people.. on not losing control for example or yelling .. things like that.
So just like when you’re around a toxic person for long enough,
I can take a toxic person and withstand them.. I will survive .
The catch is, if I let them affect me, change me. If I become a monster around the monster than that will kill me. That is when I lose. When I am a defeated person. I lose my integrity there isn’t anything else left. And it’s so easy to do! Fuck .. I get it. Ive also succumbed, and it’s always what I regret the most.
One of the most painful times in my life was when I gave up.. consciously.
Its a long story.. but I remember that day and saying to myself
Fuck the right thing
The right thing just gets you fucked over and over again
I will never get out of this doing the right thing
I might’ve been right about that last part… but I ended up yes, getting out of the situation I was in, a situation sort of like yours. My ex had taken my car, and it got impounded and because it was in his name , he had to get it out of the tow yard and out of sheer malice he wouldn’t… in southern CA you have to have a car to function. Or lots of money. I lost my job, ( home health nurse ) I lost my house, and more than everything else I lost the ability to get my kids…
My unemployment lasted for six moths and then went down to about $100 a week.
Times were tough.
I got some registry jobs but could only take the ones I could ride the trolley to on my bike. And I did… I got some long term positions. One of them was with County Mental Health.
I had made a Med error, an innocuous one. But you are supposed to tell on yourself when you do. And I have always had this bullshit back bone that actually wants to be responsible and more than that, honest. I knew I was putting myself at risk … but it was a minor mistake. So I told on myself and I didn’t have to.. I could’ve gotten away with it.
The investigators came down and looked at me and said
We’re sorry but as a registry nurse you’re expected to be perfect. We cant use you anymore.
And that’s when I decided fuck the right thing.
After several defeating events all the while being honest , fair and responsible … but continuing to get fucked over.
So I get it. I do. Times got wicked tough.. had been. And I made a conscious decision to break the rules to lift myself out of that hole and yes it worked but I lost myself for a little while and looking back it wasn’t worth it and I wish I didn’t do what I ended up doing to get out ..
If the world had been a kinder and more generous place I wouldn’t have had to do it.. I will never forgive my wealthy mother for example for not helping me. Even though I know it’s not her responsibility. I think the reason I can’t forgive her is because I would never dream of not helping my daughters in a tough spot. Or any friend or loved one or even a fucking stranger if I could.
So I believe in helping each other .. honestly I have a friend who is single , an ex dope addict who has hep C and no car and she gets about $400 a month for her and her daughter .. she is having a hard time getting a job and has no experience except as a stripper and bartender and no car..
I help her and send her money when I can..
Because fuck man. I know how hard that shit is.
That’s what we need. We need more people to fucking share when times get tough and I will never not believe that ..
Poverty is the biggest instigator of crime and I fully understand that.. you would be surprised or not at what you’re willing to do when you don’t have money to feed your kids.
I get it..
Our society for some reason looks down on generosity or people who ask for help and that’s insanity to me. Complete and total insanity! Our society is so fucking insane … with so many things..
We need change and that change needs to come from the top. This country is ruining itself with greed.. we are the end result of an extended uninterrupted shameless capitalism.
We need democratic socialism to save ourselves and our society , our country.
But no one wants to share, or make it easier for anyone else and I will never understand that. Ever. That is so fucking insane to me.