I have loved

I have been loved

Only people that know , that kind of love understand.

This is a true story-

When I heard that he had cancer in every part of his body, I ran out of the room. I ran through the door and I fell on my knees.

I don’t remember breathing but that is when I began to sob. A man, standing next to the smokers bench outside called out to me,

“ Are you alright?”

My body is not betraying me. My body listens to me.

I couldn’t get up.

My purse had spilled onto the concrete and

(I was always a runner he said)

I didn’t have enough room in my brain to reach out when everything

Meant. Nothing.

Strangers now surrounding me and helping me. Hands on elbows and I’m up. Purse placed in hand and everything back where it should be.

No, that’s not right.

That is not correct.

Everything needed to stay spilled.

I should have left it there. Because all of this is a lie.

To my car

I’m mildly surprised somewhere for a second that I am sobbing ; I’m not a cryer and if he saw me he wouldn’t know what to do with me

( “ why don’t you ever act like a normal woman, why don’t you cry, or need me, why don’t you scrap fucking book and save momentos in a box” ) — his voice hasn’t left me yet. Still part of the internal dialogue. Him and my mom. Always. Always here.

Silence now and my hands are shaking. I shouldn’t drive.

So I sit.

I grab my phone and for once I have something to say and I call. I make several calls and I cry. I can hardly speak.

He doesn’t pick up. It’s dark now and I call again. Blocked number,

I hear his voice now , inside me

Memories from another night

You’re going to give me cancer from leaving me …
when you leave its like a cold vacuum … there is nothing . I want to kill my self when you leave me..
you’re going to give me cancer..
cancer..

cancer.

“Hello?” He says.

i know he will hang up on me, I know I have to speak to him, I know he wants me, I know he loves me, I know he hates me. I know I need to speak fast , I need to say exactly the words to keep him with me on the phone , I need to see him

“Dave? Dave, Dave, Dave “

I am sobbing uncontrollably , I can hardly speak

He is crying now too.. I hear him gasping for air, and I know I’ve done that to him, my god . I don’t mean to do that to him, fuck

“ he told me tha tha that cancer is.. “

I am choking on tears, I am choking . I can not speak

“cancer”

His voice , he is choking

“ I can’t “ sobs

“NO, No, NO Dave , Dave please, please Dave “

Click.

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