I’d almost forgotten about this piece… A Ennis follows you? Lots of cred there…
Terijo
21

I just want to add, that when I first came to medium, I followed everyone that followed me- because when it comes to writing — we are all equals … to me.

Although I feel like I don’t belong here a lot. That I am not anywhere near the people that write on here. I am blown away by how good some of the stuff is … and none of it is mine.

I never check my Medium stats — or emails. I will check my Medium digest.

After I think my first piece ( and only ) that got some attention , I realized that I couldn’t get swept up into the caring part … just because for me as a person it didn’t make sense , and i have to remain unimportant , to remain sane.

I decided then, that this was for my kids.

This was a weird legacy for them to have of me. .

Then it became I got notifications of people who follow me and I would try to read some of their stuff and see if I was interested and follow them back… but it gets impossible to have that kind of time !

Some people I can’t follow… because

Honestly because I have caught people writing articles about me and something I wrote on here — sort of like a “medium bash” … mostly , for a while people thought I was a bigot.

And the other thing I notice is that there is a lot of emotionally charged pieces here , and honestly sometimes they can somehow rub me wrong …. I think it’s that victim mentality- or what seems to me as- so that’s why I sort of revolt at some pieces particularly about feminism, racism, etc. it’s not everyone of them, but it’s a few that seem slightly hypocritical and tad bit dramatic …I love it when humans are honest… and the one thing I know about the truth, is that it isn’t dramatic . It doesn’t need to be. The power of what is, is in the simplicity of it.

That sounds awful right? I’m not sure why or how … but it is just sooo different from me.

I am extremely passionate , but I am quiet with my vulnerabilities. In fact , I’ve been told I am not vulnerable at all.

I get extremely uncomfortable with the notion of the damsel in distress.

I noticed that there were some really really popular writers on here that were sooooo open with their pain and traumatic experience in a way I couldn’t relate too…

I have spent so much of my life trying to fix things, or move away and out of spaces that I didn’t like . I have taken myself beyond what I knew , mentally , emotionally . But I always wanted to beat it. Whatever fear it was. Whatever resentment it was. Whatever toxic spriritual malady I carried with me, I wanted to overcome. Always.

I dont like showing my belly ..

I can , and I do, but it is never for pity or for attention. It is because it’s what’s there in the moment . My truth , I guess.

I just knew I needed to stay away from the people that couldn’t relate to me , and thought I was a bigot or a racist — just that- if they threw me into some box like that and were so fucking far away from who I knew myself to be, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t even trust them enough to try, to talk to them…I guess I just figured that I was the problem child on medium and no one liked me.

Some people need to be recognized so badly that they will pretend offense at everything .

So I stepped away, sort of believing that writers were very emotional people and I just wasn’t like them. ( which is kind of ironic that I am an INFP with ZERO % turbulence ((very proud of that))

And I haven’t really participated with people on here since — or invested I should say.

I have a few people on here I know get it and get me and I get them, and that’s cool.

I just get afraid to hurt people and i know I can… when that is the last thing I intend truly.

But it’s ok… even i need to learn I can’t shout at the world. Everyone gets to learn here.

It’s a beautiful piece , Terri.

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