Clarity
Augusta Khalil Ibrahim
184

I see this in all human beings… ironically its when they are attracted to people and then they see everything through that lens.. They misinterpret it all.

Women are just as likely to think that someone is into them when they are not at all, but I think for women it’s even more confusing because men will fuck you, even if they don’t like you. Or if they don’t want a relationship with you. Women I think tend to base their idea of liking them on how willing men are to spend time with them and to sleep with them.. Men do not.

We are both so different , as long as we are seeing things from our own perspectives we will always be wrong … but it’s challenging to step out of our shoes and just let people be who they are without making judgements … it makes us feel vulnerable I think. We need solutions and resolutions and everything fitting nicely in a box , under some sort of control. Judgment works nicely … rationalizes our behavior and justifies our fear.

I always error on the side of not liking me. It’s a safe bet anyways.

Sometimes I hate it…when you truly are not capable of knowing you are loved. In every situation , I am always assuming the worst. At least about feelings for me. It’s just as challenging as the opposite I suppose. To try to break free of that assumption… although in the end I think, it’s much more rational than the other ..

But assuming that no one cares at all about me, or what I say, or do, has led to some issues before. I remember one friend getting particularly angry at me and screaming one day,

“ Don’t you know how you affect people ??”

But for me, it’s almost like I can’t … I can’t know that. That would be toxic for me. It would really be spiritual poison. I have to remain nothing , small, i have to be unimportant .

Otherwise a host of horrible pests tempt me… pride, fear , ego, dishonesty…

In the same sense as I don’t want to matter, other people can’t matter that much to me. Not in that place .. In that place that is all about ego, about me, and how other people validate me. That is dangerous. They can’t validate me.

Huh. Interesting …

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