I was wondering today if you had a thought of me, if just even a whisper
I had a daughter today
I wish I could give her this present I have for her
( in my head it’s always a lot of cash)
And you made a mistake, you saw the light, you forgive me and love me again
Because you gave me up
Because I’m still alive Dad , your entire excuse to leave my life is a lie, I’m not dead. I’m right here, raising your grandchildren who will never know what it’s like to have a Grandfather. They won’t know you. They won’t ever get to travel with you, and put their ears to the ground and listen for Roman Soldiers. They won’t ever understand what it’s like to laugh with you, to get a hug from you, a kiss on the forehead. You won’t ever get to see how smart they are, look at their grades, Dad. They are getting recommended for honors and study every night. They are counting to ten, they learned their alaphabet after I read it to them once, they love cars
If you don’t like cars, you’re not my daughter
You told me
You mourned for me
You waited for me to die, to identify my body at the morgue
so many years ago
But I lived Dad.
I’m alive and not a part of you, although so much of you.
I wonder Dad
did you want this when you wanted me to hurt for not being what you wanted
Did you want to miss all of it
Because it wasn’t perfect
I never knew you to want things perfect
I guess I stayed alive long enough to find out who you were
“”You’re dead to me , it’s too hard to have you be alive again.”
I guess I’ve learned to live with that.
That it’s better for my own father to have me be dead.
At what point does it become long enough, Dad
It’s been 18 years Dad since I got high on heroin
I’ve been alive for 18 years and so have you
You had a daughter today Dad.
I have stuffed you away so deep , I can’t even connect long enough to write something worth reading about you.
I can’t even plug in to this.
I had to disconnect from everything that could leave, everything that could lie, everything that could cheat me, everything that could beat me, everything that could die
So I could live.
Sometimes I am grateful that you made me bulletproof
You made me dead
Most of the time I never think of you
If you don’t love me enough
I can’t respect you enough
But today that voice , the one I always do business with
She thought of you and she wondered if you thought of me
On my birthday.