A Ennis
A Ennis
Jul 28, 2017 · 3 min read

So hi…

I am writing because I recognize myself in this..

I can smell it on you… pain.

Rage.

What you need right now is gentle loving support and you need people to do what they are least willing to do with angry people.

Be kind and patient.

I fucking get it. I totally get it.

Everything we do to survive, ends up killing us in the end. We cant sustain it. Because we are pack animals and need each other .

I used to think that if people just knew how to love me better or good enough . If I could just meet someone that was 100% and good and kind and loving and considerate and someone that fucking understood I could get better. That I was broke in a million pieces because of the cruelty inflicted on me by a man. I needed kindness to restore me. To put me back together again.

It wasn’t till I broke 20 hearts in a row and fucked my sexual power back, and I realized that no one was ever gonna meet those standards and that everyone is totally fucked up. No one could ever love me better or good enough.

I was broke and I was gonna stay that way.

But I could not be so afraid.. I didn’t have to be so cold and hard and angry.

But it was a lie.

What I loved was kindness and I yearned for it. To see it. To witness it. To be around it.

I desperately needed kindness.

But humans aren’t kind.

Fuck… humans don’t even care about anyone else really.

Kindness was my thing … the only thing that lit up the dark.

And I was responsible for that.

I needed , we need that victim space and that angry space . We need it to heal. We need it to get our power back.

But the time comes when it starts to kill us and we either change or grow deformed , or we die. For me it was the needle. I had been sticking one in me for two years and trying to just fucking breathe through the pain and I couldn’t put the needle down without people. I couldn’t do it alone .

I had to let people in.

I don’t know why I am telling you all this.

You just struck a cord with me and I saw me… I saw my pain and I saw the men that gave that to us.

I am making assumptions … I know.

But I know that pain.

It is a indelible mark, a scar we will carry forever.

I just want you to know …

That I see it and I get it and you can recover and not be afraid anymore . You can have relationships and friends and live without being hurt again. You can stop hating men and women and everyone who did it to you and allowed it to happen and didn’t stand up for you or didn’t call them on it and left you to fend for yourself.

Everyone who abandoned you in the time of your greatest and most precious need. Everyone who didn’t understand , everyone who didn’t even care to. Everyone who blinded by their own eyes , left you to die. To survive. To suffer alone.

I get it.

Fuck them.

And I hope you find your own way out of that dark.

Each one of us has to have something … some aspect of life or people or something in us, that lights up the dark.

It’s different for everyone but the purpose is the same.

We grab it and we pull ourselves out and we hang on to it for dear life and look for it everywhere and ignore all the other shit.

I just get it… I get it.. and that is all I wanted to say to you.

    A Ennis

    Written by

    A Ennis

    Nothing is true. Everything is permitted. Abyssus Abyssum Invocat.

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