This reminded me of a time in my life that was so painful.
I had gotten clean and sober and naturally drifted towards the Bible.. partly because my family and mostly because it’s the religion of choice in the 12 step programs. I read the Bible back to front. I liked what Jesus said.. and so I started dabbling.
Fast forward a few years and I am a battered woman. I don’t know that though.. I don’t know I am being abused.
I think a million things, and all of them are basically
Why does he do that?
What happened in his childhood? What did his mom do to him? How can I fix this? Where can we get help?
And then eventually I just started to break. Mentally. I started having intense panic attacks, that would bring me to my knees. I really thought I was going crazy.. I was trying to love and believe someone who was evil.
So what did I do?
I decided to go to the Pastor at the huge church we went to. They even had a coffee shop in the lobby. I booked an appointment. I could force my husband to go to these things since he was constantly begging my forgiveness and promising me the world intermittently.. so we go.
I was expecting unilateral support. I was expecting a grown man to look another grown man in the eye and tell him he was a pile of shit and he needed to stop or god was going to smite him or something. I was expecting results. Change. I was expecting this meeting to help a lot.
Because my husband would often throw the Bible in my face. He would read it! He thought he was a good Christian.
What happened though , in reality I will never forget.
The Pastor looked me in the eye and told me to be an obedient wife. Told me that I needed to forgive my husband and continue to be all the things I always had been… but it was my responsibility to make this marriage work!
My husband sat through that meeting with a smirk.. all of his sickness, all of his abuse, his narcism validated. I was wrong again.
That incident made me leave that church , and when I found out one of the women my husband was fucking went to church and they frequently went together — that is when I never looked back.
I haven’t been to church since. I haven’t read the Bible since. What I want from god isn’t there.
The whole experience actually made me really angry at religion. I started seeing the eve syndrome, stigma ; the submission and systemic oppression that the church created for women. I went for a few years really really angry at everything religious ..
I’m not angry anymore and I haven’t thought of that day in a long time.. but I remembered it:: here.
There is something so anti god when we don’t stand up and honor our women.. when we don’t fight for them and fight for ourselves. When we play doormat. There is something so unholy about putting your boot to a woman’s soft spots. To anyone’s. To not standing up for yourself and others.