A Play That’s Just All The Special Skills On Actors’ Resumes

Lights up on 45 WOMEN crossing the stage on horseback. 42 of them look very nervous because they kind of exaggerated their level of expertise a lot.

5 ACTORS enter SR, yodeling, followed by 10 JUGGLERS, 2 of whom can juggle. Everyone looks very sweaty and nervous. Except the YODELERS. They’ve been waiting to bust this shit out for a decade. They yodel until they’re near to collapsing.

10 WHITE MEN enter, rapping confidently. A trap door opens center stage. All 10 fall in. As the door slowly closes, trapping them below the stage, the sounds of them rapping start to fade but the confidence is still very much there.

CANDACE enters. She sings the entirety of Third Eye Blind’s Semi Charmed Life.

20 of the HORSEWOMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE have given up and are trying to exit but are unable to convince their horses to leave easily. One takes a dump center stage — one of the horses, not one of the women, but the night is young.

CANDACE is joined by CRAIG and two others. The two others enter carrying jump ropes. CANDACE and CRAIG do some double dutch. CANDACE sings the entirety of Semi Charmed Life while doing double dutch. CRAIG pulls a hamstring. He’s carried off by 19 actors who are certified in CPR. CRAIG doesn’t need CPR. Someone tries to give him CPR anyway. He declines and they all exit together.

A car enters being driven by MEREDITH, who smiles, waves, and parallel parks on top of the horse dump. This was MEREDITH’s whole plan. MEREDITH now doesn’t know what to do. MEREDITH stays in the car, waving. Parallel parking was MEREDITH’s only skill.

6 ACTORS enter, wearing sandwich boards that say “GOOD WITH CHILDREN!” 12 CHILDREN enter. The 6 ACTORS smile, surprised. One bends down and says “Oh hiiii! What’s your name?” and CHILD kicks them in the crotch. ACTOR says a bad word and stumbles off stage.

The 12 CHILDREN high five each other and huddle up. The remaining 5 ACTORS look on nervously. CHILDREN turn in unison and descend upon the actors, having somehow acquired water balloons full of ketchup. The actors run, screaming, from the scene. One jumps in MEREDITH’s car and screams “BOOK IT!” MEREDITH smiles, waves, and drives off. Horse poop splatters across the stage.

1 ACTOR, having been trampled by CHILDREN, lies on the floor SL. Someone runs onstage and tries to give the actor CPR. ACTOR is like “Yo, I do NOT need CPR,” gets up, and exits of their own free will. CPR ACTOR is sad. THEY JUST WANT TO GIVE SOMEONE CPR, OKAY? THEY ARE CERTIFIED.

15 ACTORS line the front of the stage. Together, they say “Hola como estas” and smile. There is a pause. They thought this was all the Spanish they needed to use. 14 of them are starting to melt down. CAMILA smiles, steps forward, takes a breathe, and delivers a perfect Spanish translation of Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18. Because, unlike the 14 other ACTORS standing up here, CAMILA is *actually* bilingual.

Embarrassed, the other 14 grab the remaining now-errant horses and ride them off into the audience, shrieking to the sky.

CANDACE joins CAMILA downstage. They look at each other, smile, and nod. The karaoke track for Semi Charmed Life fills the theater. They alternate verses, CANDACE singing in English and CAMILA singing in Spanish. An actor enters playing guitar. CANDACE & CAMILA are uninterested in adding another instrument to Semi Charmed Life. CPR ACTOR enters and explains that to the GUITAR ACTOR.

GUITAR ACTOR is sad. CPR ACTOR whispers in GUITAR ACTOR’s ear. GUITAR ACTOR smiles and nods. CPR ACTOR gives GUITAR ACTOR some CPR, while GUITAR ACTOR feigns an injury.

CANDACE & CAMILA bow.

Still smells like horse poo in the theater, though. Unfortunately nobody listed “ability to clean up after myself” in their special skills.

Lights fade to black.