Best Revival Of A Heartwarming, Ragingly Misogynistic Play From The 50s

Most Traumatic Cast Party

Least Realistic Living Room Set Design, Like, Where Do The Stairs Lead, Greg?

Longest Play

Most Reluctant Standing Ovation, But Some Guy Started It So Here We All Are

The Shorty Award For The Oldest Actor Playing A Child Because They’re Not Very Tall

Actor Who Memorized The Least Amount Of Their Lines

Most Illegal Cutting Of The Script

Best Meltdown Over A Crucible Costume Not Being Sexy Enough

Most Woke Season

Loudest Actor

Most Tedious Fundraising Gala Which Actually Lost Money

Best Tragedy Which Was Supposed To Be A Comedy

Best Comedy Which Was Supposed To Be A Tragedy

Most Questionable Acting Choice

Best Stage Manager Who Has Recently Embraced Meditation To Keep From Murdering The Cast

Best Musical Which Was Chosen For The Season Even Though They Didn’t Have Anyone Who Could Sing Those Songs So It Was Pretty Rough

Largest Number Of Tears Shed Onstage

Worst Backstage Snacks

Most Horrified Face Made By A Playwright While Watching Their Own Play

Worst Puck Monologue

Most Pairs Of Spanx Worn Onstage At One Time — Solo

Most Pairs Of Spanx Worn Onstage At One Time — Ensemble


Most Likely To Slip Their Cast Mate The Tongue During A Stage Kiss, Ya Creep

Most Inspiring 11th Hour Speech After A Disastrous Dress Rehearsal

Least Appropriate Character To Be Played By A White Man But Definitely Was

Artistic Director Most Likely To Just LOSE IT

Actor Who’s Been Auditioning With The Same Monologue The Longest

The This-Play-Isn’t-About-Trump-But-It-Kind-Of-Is-Now Award

The Constant Whistler Award For Extremely Frustrating Personal Habits

Most Uncomfortable Chairs

Best Song Performed Off Key For 3 Weeks By The Director’s Daughter

Longest Pre-Show Speech

Most Fake Blood

Worst Onstage Kiss For Both Parties

Largest Number Of Tears Shed Offstage

Best Headshot That’s Clearly From 30 Years Ago When You Had A LOT More Hair

Most Cigarettes Smoked At Intermission

Best Backstage Argument

Actor With The Most Unsolicited Advice For Other Actors

Most Obstructed View For The Highest Priced Ticket

Shoutiest Director

Most Ill-Fated Hookup With The Sound Designer

Actor Who Has Referenced Their “Feature Film” The Most Times

Least Successful Musical Adaptation Of A Movie From 20 Years Ago

Most Liberal Use Of Vodka On Costumes

Best Actor Who Fancies Themselves A Playwright Without Writing Anything

Most Milked Death Scene

Most Bizarre Re-Tooling Of The Tempest

Theatre Critic With The Most Typos


Filthiest Curtains

Most Hyped Least Interesting Production

Best Scandal Everyone’s Whispering About In The Bathroom

Worst Shakespearean Improvisor

Biggest Ego — Actor

Biggest Ego — Director

Biggest Ego — Playwright

Most Grating Rendition Of “Oh What A Beautiful Morning”

Most Talkative Actor Who Was Once In A Show With A Hamilton Understudy And Won’t Stop Bringing It Up In Casual Conversation

Writer/Actor/Director/Artistic Director @killingmylobstr / Terrible ideas are all my own.

Writer/Actor/Director/Artistic Director @killingmylobstr / Terrible ideas are all my own.