Rejectress: Rejected Reductress Pitches

Here are my rejected garbage ideas from this week. Cry with me, won’t you?

6 Fun New Identities to Embrace When You’re Tired of This One, Beth

• Frumpy Sous Chef Who Isn’t Interested In My Boyfriend Greg
• Short Haired Janitor Who‘s Not At All Fascinated By My Boyfriend Greg
• Lawnmower Who Doesn’t Notice My Boyfriend Greg
• Ugly Scientist/Isn’t Attracted to Greg
• Dog Groomer/Hasn’t Heard of Greg

Be an Entrepreneur: Start Your Own Brothel/Murder House!

In a time when so many women are saying “Hey, what the fuck should I do about money?” The answer often seems unknowable. But it isn’t. Because the answer is that you should open a fuck-shop truck-stop with a dumpster for men’s carcasses out back.

Shocking Statistic: 90% of Pizza Delivery Men Can Get It

Dr. Stephanie Shackemeier and Dr. Lilian Soo, after decades of research on the sensual nature of pizza delivery men, have confirmed that 90% of pie delivery guys can, in fact, get it. Partially because they’re carrying hot cheese.

This Hero Moisturizes Her Face With Her Own Tears

Katherine Jacobsen-Schwartz, after years of weeping easily over things like fabric softener commercials and losing out on career advancements, has finally crafted a facial moisturizer for the common woman.

How to Embrace Your Stoic Scandinavian Heritage in Your Domestic Partnership

As a cold Nordic-American woman, I sometimes found it hard to bring my frigid, rigid, clobbering lack of emotional expression into my personal relationships. But over time, I’ve cracked the code with Thor’s hammer and I’d like to impart that wisdom now.

Recipes to Freeze So You Can Spend the Rest of the Year Lying on the Floor of the Shower

• Tater tot casserole
• Beef stew
• Chili
• Something with potatoes in it
• Uncategorizable “fajita inspired” taco filling

Chocolate Lasagna to Throw in the Face of Your Husband’s Italian Heritage

Next time you go to your Italian in-laws’ house for dinner, and you’re just really tired of hearing all that stuff about how their daughter Cecilia married a nice Italian man, bring out this dish to shove their faces in your lack of culture and bland midwestern upbringing: Chocolate Lasagna.

Cheesy Pull Apart Rolls That Say “I Don’t Regret This Marriage”

Just photos of different cheesy pull apart rolls.

Books to Read in Public When You’re Pretending Everything’s Fine, Guys, Seriously

• The Purpose Driven Life
• The Girl on the Train
• How to Win Friends and Influence People
• 50 Shades of Grey
• STD Pamphlets
• Highlights Magazine