My Current Situation

“Embrace your debt.”

Its a soft whisper, much like all that I hear from God. And it’s been a while, or at least thats how it seems. It’s always funny how I think God is quiet and if something needed to happen differently in my life, wouldn’t He just scream it? Wouldn’t I know? Wouldn’t it strike me like lightening?

But then I have to ask myself, even if it was like that, would I hear Him? Would I listen? Probably not, if I’m being honest.

I grew up with Jesus. But it wasn’t until my teen years that I began a friendship, a relationship with Him. But throughout my entire life miraculous things have happened, things that otherwise just don’t make sense. A lot of people would see it as coincidence, chance or luck and I can see why. And it was almost always the exact opposite of what I thought I needed. A big move across the state. A hard break up. Recovery from an addiction. Only applying to and banking on one college. Anxiety. Confrontation. Lightening my schedule. Leaving school. Each of these, I resisted. I hated all of it. Almost the entire time it was happening and even a while after. I would scream at God in my head (not out loud so I didn’t sound as crazy as I felt). WHY? That was always the question. ButI would do it because I either had no choice in the matter (being a child and having decisions made for you) or I had become (slightly) wiser and realized the pattern. That through the kicking and screaming and tears, through the long tunnel of pain and discomfort, through what seemed countless set backs — I grew. I became not just someone I liked better, but more myself. There were so many things that tormented me that I didnt even realize because I had done such a good job of covering them up with lies and habits. And once I fought them and won, I was free. I was light as air.

Each time God had a new challenge for me, I protested less. Even though each journey, now tacked onto the last after every breakthrough, felt more painful and difficult than the one before; I was being made whole. I have truly learned in the past 6 years that my brokenness has purpose not only in my life but in others’ as well. It has also become clear to me that though my years in college (more details in other articles to come, I’m sure) were some of the most difficult of my life, they were also the best. It was the first time in my life where I began to see the extreme damage underneath the surface of my heart and mind. Abuse, abondenment, neglect, anxiety… All lurking monsters, laying dormant waiting to erupt. And oh boy, did they ever.

Most days I could not get out of bed. My body was a prison. Anxiety attack after anxiety attack. Everything was a trigger for a while. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop gasping for it was like I never had air in my lungs. I tried to push people away. I fought every feeling that surfaced, each one felt deadly with no escape in sight. I sobbed in every class, for every beautiful truth spoken was a knife in my imperfect heart. I hoped and yet I felt hopeless.

Allison, why were these the best years of your life? Are just being dramatic or are you crazy? Excellent questions.

While I have been known to exaggerate in a great story. These are facts, this was my life, but slightly simplified and without all the juicy details.

This was an amazing time in life because God is good. He is Healer of all, Provided of all! He gave me a better support system than I could have ever dreamed of. Friends, mentors, therapists, teachers, worship, events that I thrived in, but most importantly: His Word. His promise, His love, His Truth. I began to know who this God was and in turn learned who I was really made to be. God rocked my world in radical ways. I told myself this is it, this is how it will always be. One big adventure after another. Self discovery after self discovery.

And then God said my time at Simpson University was done. I said, “no you’re crazy.” But it was and His will for my life was done. And I disbelieved but I didn’t fight it because I knew in my heart it was what I needed. So I left. I sank into horrifying depression like I had never seen. But then once again rose out of it. Supported under God’s truth of being enough and knowing my purpose.

But I am currently stuck and have been for some time. Like much of my actions and decisions, I started out strong in this most recent journey, but have come up short, bored, confused and angry. All of that, of course, being my own fault. I have been feeling the call as things have gotten harder with this stage of my adulthood. The nagging voice in my head that says, “will you just do what you’re supposed to already!?” The guilt that overwhelms my heart at night, telling me I was made for more and I’m cheating the Kingdom by not fostering my gifts or helping others pursue theirs. The fear that if I don’t change my habits and “become more spiritual” soon then my children will follow the same hardships as me.

So with 3 calls today from the people that want me to finally start paying my loans, I heard God clear as day, “embrace your debt.”

Lord I don’t think you understand. My husband and I work minimum wage jobs. He has to pay student loans, we have an ever growing pile of bills to pay every month, I wanted to at least go to community college a little bit this year, we might have to insure another car so I can get a second job to pay for all these bills, and you want me to PAY MY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF LOANS?!?!? “Yes, I do want you to do that.”

I am terrified and have been since I left Simpson about these loans. Nothing quite gives me anxiety like crippling debt. And yet there is this weird peace I feel. I trust in my Spirit that if I just start the process of paying my loans, God will provide. He will make a way. Just like He always has, and just like He always will. I don’t know how. I never do. But He has always kept His word, even if it is the opposite of what I would prefer.

So here’s to not hoping, but trusting.

Friends I challenge you to be obedient. Do the thing that is scary and sometimes makes the least amount of sense. God is good and always has our backs. It also helps us grow, it makes us brave and builds a strong foundation against fear not only for ourselves but our future generations.

Please also challenge me by asking if I’ve gone through with this. Sometimes I need the encouraging push.

***Disclaimer, first time ever writing a blog post. Criticism is welcome but be gentle***