I’m losing connection with myself,
And it always happens this way..
.. i get caught up in a whole bunch of other shit and then just throw what i was initially doing away,
I think that it’s because I am afraid..
Afraid of the chance that shit could possibly actually go well for me in some weird subconscious way how I’ve been classically trained to think the worst will always Happen no matter what,
And i don't wanna feel like this anymore, i don't want to have to run myself down into the ground every few months just to pick myself back up and rebuild over and over for a cause that seems worthless,
I don't want to keep hurting and pretending that I’m numb to it all because that’s what is easiest to showcase..
.. I don't want to keep telling people I’m fine when I’m not, i don't want to keep myself from loving cause I’m afraid of rejection, i don't want to keep forgetting about myself reflection,
I just don't want to keep losing connection..
Over and over again , and attempting to reestablish , until one day, my server crashes and i’ll never be able to access my in..
..I don't want to feel the way soo many people do, older, reminiscing and regretting not doing..
i don't know what I'm doing,
But the first word that comes to mind is.. Pursuing..
And i feel like that fits me perfectly,
I feel like all along its been me that's been hurting me, allowing the importance of other people to dominate my own in my mind,
I didn't have guidance around that time when these pathways were developing,
I wish i was the one by my side when i was a kid that should have been helping me,
I wish i could have understood my own value, my own worth, my nature, my intention,
And was ok with the fact that my entire existence from conception is a attack against the convention.
I think i need to be by myself,
I don't think I’m good to be around right now..
unless we have similar goals and intent, i don't know what it is, but i need to end it,
End of chapter.
- An Original Poem By Joshua Hampton Also Known As DahhDee