Back to school — if only

Yesterday would have been my daughter’s 19th birthday. Would have been because we lost her to cancer when she was four — hepatoblastoma — liver cancer, seriously! It was one of those nightmares when her mom asks the day care if any other kids have stomach flu after her 3 year old Sydney complains of a sore tummy. No — all good. OK so off to the doctor who finds a lump and then SickKids for an 18 month roller coaster ride from hell. Anyone who has endured the journey of cancer understands that journey all to well.

So that was almost 15 years ago. Should have moved on, right? Should be just fine and celebrating her younger brother who is now 16, right? Well I do. I manage and some days even thrive but back to school, especially watching her friends head of to university is heart wrenching. I always knew these would be tough times, those landmarks when the kids her age graduate from high school; attend their prom; head off to university; get their first jobs; get married etc. etc. etc. But I always underestimate the anguish. I wish I could describe the pain, the physical pain of being torn between celebrating the lives of these amazing young people and feeling you are broken inside. Totally devastated by the lost potential. By the injustice. By the profound loss.

My family is not alone. I know there are many people who have lost children so as you get ready for the craziness of heading back to school and all the hassles that it brings, I hope you can find the time to stop and love the craziness because it sure beats the alternative.