A Good Catholic

I’ve been reflecting on my relationship with the Church over the past few days and what I have realized is this- I am not a good Catholic.

I do not practice my faith. Due to past burns and personal injuries, I no longer share the faith or jump at the chance to answer theological questions people share with me when they learn I claim the title Catholic.

I left RCIA back in December for a number of reasons, namely because I was not ready. And as hard as that has been to wrap my head around, discernment is a process, a journey; that sometimes takes longer than nine months.

I tried desperately in the months that followed to be a Protestant again. I tried being Anglican like the rest of my family, to find a home on this side of the Reformation. But try as I might, Rome is still calling me by name.

When I started this journey into the heart of Catholicism, it was because I wanted, I needed, to be right, to have the answers, to be good at being Christian, being Spiritual. What I learned is that there are some truly terrible Catholics. There are some heretics, some bigots, some self-righteous pricks claiming the Church as theirs when in reality it belongs to Christ alone. I wanted a church of black and white, and instead I got a hospital for sinners.

And in the most honest moment of my life, I realized that, spiritual though I may be, I didn’t want to be part of a hospital for sinners; I wanted to be the finest pillar in a museum for saints.

It takes a certain kind of bravery to admit that I need that hospital for sinners, because I am a sinner, saved by faith for the doing of good works. The Church is not a place to put our good works on display, but where we receive through Christ and His Sacraments, the saving grace of Faith.

I’ve spent my life being a good Christian, and the past year or two learning to be a good Catholic. Now I think it’s time I become a brave one. I need the Church, I need the Sacraments, I need the Crucifixion, and I need Christ. I don’t have all the answers, I am no longer a one woman defense of the Church. Instead, I am a student, a Candidate, of the Catholic Church; waiting for the moment when I can be a full Catholic and a brave one.