Avoid the stings of bad communication by surrounding yourself with barbs
I know that I am not the only one to have had a bad conversation that has left me upset and stinging from the words of another. Sometimes it can be as little as a throwaway comment made by someone in the office. Or it can be someone belittling something that you yourself did not realise was important and would affect you.
Let’s say you just came up with a brilliant new idea over the weekend. You rush to the office on Monday to tell everyone about this idea and the response you get is
“Oh, yes, that. We discussed it a month ago”.
Immediately you feel left out of the group. Thoughts rush through your head. Why did I not know? Am I unimportant? Don’t they like me? Don’t they trust me? Why was I excluded?
Or perhaps you produce a report that you are really proud of, only to be told that it was too long, too short, not quite right, or that someone else could have done it better.
Again the words sting and you may find negative thoughts racing through your brain.
If you allow these thoughts to take hold they will eat into your self-confidence. Or you may become angry and start to deal out negative comments and stings of your own.
The important thing to remember is that we are responsible for our own emotions and that we do not have to allow the barbed words coming from other people to sting us. Responding in kind increases negativity and reduces both teamwork and healthy communication.
Easy to say, but can we actually do this?
Let start with the definition of a barb from the Oxford Dictionary.
Barb: A sharp projection near the end of an arrow, fish hook, or similar object, which is angled away from the main point so as to make extraction difficult.
This definition has three main points, if you will excuse the pun.
1. It is sharp, therefore it cuts and cuts hurt, even the symbolic ones. They make you bleed deep inside.
2. It is angled away from the main point. These hurtful remarks hurt because they are about the person and not the behaviour. The main point when delivering feedback or criticism should never be personal.
3. Extraction is difficult. If you let the hook pierce your skin, then it won’t easily let go. It is better to learn how to recognise and avoid these barbs than to work on removing them.
So how do we use our own barbs to avoid those of others?
By using B(oundaries), A(ction), R(espect ), B(alance) and S(ustainability)
B stands for Boundaries
Boundaries make it clear what is acceptable and what is not. Boundaries are the lines between important and unimportant, ethical and unethical, effective and ineffective, in fact any dichotomous grouping you can think of. Boundaries are also personal. Only you can know for sure where your boundaries lie.
To be able to set your boundaries you first need to spend time to know yourself and figure out what is important to you. Only after some introspection will you be able to recognise your boundaries and know when someone intrudes on them.
Observe your own reactions and emotions. Find out what the triggers are. What do others say and do that causes you to feel stung?
Once you have set your boundaries you can start to take action.
A is for Action
Action can be both reactive and proactive.
When you react to something that was said, even if you react in a positive way, it is still a reaction and can catch both you and the other person by surprise.
Be proactive by letting others know what your boundaries are. Be clear, transparent, authentic and tell them how you like to be treated. When people know that you like to be treated in a certain way then they are more likely to do so. Often what we perceive as deliberate actions on their part are simply thoughtless.
When you become more proactive your negative reactions will reduce.
R can only be Respect
True communication needs to have respect on both sides. Tell others your boundaries and your needs in a respectful way. Expect them to treat you with respect in return.
Treating someone with respect does not mean that you have to be submissive, apologetic and on the back foot. It is also not compulsory to like someone to be able to treat them with respect.
Do your best to find the positive in a situation and when an action can be interpreted in more than one way, give them the benefit of the doubt. Assuming the worst serves no purpose other than increasing conflict. Use open questions to clarify when you are unsure of the other person’s intentions.
Tell people how you want to be treated, and treat them the way they tell you they prefer. Don’t guess. Ask.
B is also Balance
Effective communication requires balance. There is a need to be heard on each side. Spend time listening to the other person and to understand what it is they are saying before you start telling them your own thoughts.
When you get the feeling that you are not being heard it may be because you have not listened to their side of the story yet. Or, if you have listened, then you have not made it clear that you understand their point of view.
Once you understand where they are coming from, you can start to explain your own opinion. Make references to what they have said to make it clear that you took in what they said. Mention the parts of their arguments that you agree with.
Yes, you may get stuck with someone who starts rambling, but in this case you can stop them and explain back to them what they have said to show that you have listened and understood. Now that you have done this, you can ask that they listen to your side of the story.
Remember that balance means that the needs of both people are equally important. Your own needs are neither more nor less important.
S stands for Sustainability
Maintaining good relationships takes long-term effort and constant vigilance. When you use clear and open communication, treat others with respect, and balance your own needs with theirs, then you will be able to avoid the sting of barbed words nearly all of the time.
If and when you do encounter those few people who refuse to blunt their barbed words, the best action is to cut them out of your life completely. If it isn’t possible to avoid them, then see their words for the baited fish hooks they are and no not take the bait.
What has your experience been with fighting barbs with BARBS? What has worked for you?
