How Being Relentless Saved My Life (and My Job)
One of my biggest character flaws has always been that I don’t want to be seen as a burden to anyone. My younger self would send important emails that went unanswered and only anxiously followed up after a few days. Never too soon to be annoying and always carefully crafted to hide any desperation. I wouldn’t even consider making an invasive phone call. I’d often take whatever minimal effort people gave me and be deeply grateful for it even in situations that required much more. I’d never ask for what I actually needed or deserved. I wanted to be liked and appreciated above all else.
In my mid-twenties, I landed a job I loved for a CEO I adored. Part of my job was to manage his insane schedule and make sure everything was running smoothly. He wasn’t the most approachable person in the world so I was honored that I had privileged access and did not want to abuse it. I’d always remind him of his next appointment and let him decided if what he was currently doing was more important than being on time for his next appointment. If issues arose at work that didn’t seem important enough for a CEO to have to deal with or seemed to only impact me, I’d make sure he wasn’t burdened with them. If you’ve ever worked in business, you already figured out that this is a recipe for disaster. It all came to a head one day when he missed an important call and I was mentally and emotionally drained from a work personnel issue he knew nothing about.
“Why shouldn’t I fire you right now?” he rightfully asked in the hallway.
I had worked so tirelessly on so many projects, kept out of his way, and I just didn't understand how we had gotten here. I had everything to lose and nothing but the truth to give him, so I confessed all of it. Once he understood the misunderstanding between us, his tone completely changed. He explained to me that it was important that I was an advocate — for him, for the company, and for myself. A concept I had not properly learned until this moment. He never missed another important call, he took care of a toxic situation I was dealing with at work, and a few months after proving how good of an advocate I could be for the company, I was promoted.
Advocacy. Got it.
Fast forward to present day and I don’t have a fear of speaking up. I’ve unfortunately earned a reputation for it and some would argue that it makes me less likable than I used to be. However, I sleep better at night, and it's also the reason I’m alive right now so I’ll take it.
A month ago, my ankle and calf hurt a little bit. I am a runner so I didn’t think too much of it at first, but it did feel different than any other pain I’d had before. Many people advised that time would heal it and not to worry. I had a big trip to Bali planned for the last weekend in March and I wanted to be sure nothing would get in the way of that so I attempted to get an ultrasound but ultimately was turned away. The next day the pain had moved to my knee so I went to Urgent Care where they advised me that I was in no immediate danger and to try an Orthopedic/Physical Therapy.
I went on to see 7 different doctors.
This may sound extreme, but I knew that even though I LOOKED fine, something was really wrong. Some were invested in helping even though they didn’t have the answers, others wouldn’t even see me. My primary doc sent me for blood work and put me on prednisone thinking I might have an autoimmune issue. I lobbied for ultrasound support since I was going to be getting on an airplane to the other side of the world soon and when you google “Leg Pain” the first thing that comes up is literature on blood clots and how traveling with one is lethal. She agreed and wrote me a script that said: “Ultrasound to rule out blood clot.” I called for an appt from the car. The Imaging Center gave me a hard time again. I was too young to need two different ultrasounds, I had the info but not a physical insurance card for them to scan, and scheduling later rather than sooner was more convenient.
The pain had now moved into my upper leg, I was really scared, and I was exhausted trying to get anyone to take me seriously.
I hung up and tried to schedule an appointment online as so I could stop “bothering” all the people that kept transferring me around to be someone else’s problem. The online schedule didn’t have anything soon enough so I called back and asked if we could do the 1st part of the ultrasound ASAP and do the 2nd part another day. Finally, I got someone that would partially pencil me in. The next day when I showed up for my ultrasound. I again had to explain why a perfectly healthy 32 year-old needed an ultrasound. “I’m going to Bali!” I happily told the technician. My excitement became her excitement as she asked about my trip. Once she scanned my leg she became very focused.
I was told to wait for clearance before I headed back to work. “I’m already done. I’ll be back in time for that 4pm meeting,” I messaged my co-worker. While sitting in the waiting room, the pharmacy called to tell me that they did not have my medication in stock. I had just picked up the prednisone my doctor had prescribed so I figured it was an error. The technician returned to tell me I was free to leave and I was almost out the door before she finished her sentence, “but you need to go straight to your doctor.” The doctor told me they had found a blood clot, but I was fine and I could likely still travel. She gave me meds that stop the clotting and instructed me to double check the ultrasound with a vascular surgeon stat.
It was 4:30pm when I got home. I grew more hysterical with every unanswered phone call to a closed surgeon's office. At 5:01, I made my last hail mary call and the doctor picked up. He said his office would squeeze me in tomorrow and he’d leave a note for them to call me first thing.
They didn’t call.
Maybe they didn’t see his note. Maybe they had a million other previous priorities and I had not yet be evaluated as one of them. Either way, I had to call them. They were overscheduled and wanted to book me for a later date since I was a new patient that required a bit of lift to onboard into their system. I explained that I had spoken to the doctor and that I felt this required more urgency than that. She agreed to squeeze me in.
In the waiting room, I sipped on water to try and keep myself calm. When it was my turn to see the doc, I explained my situation. “I have a blood clot but I need to get on a plane to Bali next week.” He nodded and fired up his ultrasound machine. He was very comforting for such a distressful situation, so even when he looked up from his screen and said, “Well, you’re not going to Bali,” I didn’t think about what was about to happen next. He explained that the blood clot was extensive, from my calf to my pelvis and was moving upward. He predicted that pieces had already probably reached my lungs. I was advised to stop drinking water because we were all going to the ER for a CT scan and surgery immediately since a pulmonary embolism could kill me at any moment. As he went on to educate me on how it got this bad, the details alone could have killed me.
“Most blood clots start in the calf,” he said.
He explained that if you catch it early, taking a blood thinner pill would safely solve this issue and you’d be on your way, but it had now moved up my whole leg and turned to concrete, which was harder to treat. My heart broke as I thought about my timeline, my current state, and my long, scary road ahead.
Last night my best friend left for Bali without me.
I’m about a week out of the hospital with an IVC filter surgically inserted to protect my lungs and heart from further damage. I’m taking Xarelto to thin my blood and have an army of doctors set up to help me recover and find out why this would happen to a healthy 32-year-old, seemingly out of the blue. I can’t properly put into words how sick and sad I am. It all feels tragic, but my network of friends, family, and doctors have been RELENTLESS in reminding me that if I hadn’t advocated for myself and gotten on that flight, or possibly even waited one more day, I’d be dead. They keep me feeling grateful for this outcome.
Coincidentally, its national Blood Clot Awareness month and let me just say, I was NOT previously aware of how common and deadly blood clots are but I sure am now. Many, many people have reached out with questions and confusion (as well as kind acts of support) and it seems necessary to spread the word that ANYONE can get a blood clot. These clots occur in up to 900,000 people each year in the United States and about 100,000 people die from them.
Blood clots kill more people than car accidents, breast cancer, and HIV combined.
Go ahead and google it. They sneak up on young athletes just as they do elderly economy travelers. I showed no real symptoms other than an odd pain that was better some days and worse others. The ultrasound cost $40 with insurance. If you think you have a blood clot, you can check with a quick, painless 30 min test. Find someone that supports your instinct or fight for yourself, but absolutely do not wait until it has time to get to your lungs.
It's not that people don’t care.
I have seen empathy and kindness like never before this past week. The issue is that your perspective, your life, and your instinct is based on your lens. No one else is going to have that. They will have their own perspective and priorities and you may not be it. If you don’t learn how to advocate for yourself, you are guaranteed to face a lifetime of miscommunications and potentially critical situations.
Hardships endured never seem like they are in vain because it allows me to help others sidestep the same potential fate. I only like stories that have a happy ending so I’ll share that the people in my life have not let me feel like a burden, but instead someone that deserves care and comfort. I’m confident I will receive the best medical care because I have learned to ask for it and settle for nothing less.
I would like to thank everyone that continues to support me as I find my way through this and am hoping to post an update on my recovery in 6 months. For more information on blood clot prevention and recovery, you can visit: Stoptheclot.com, Clotconnect.org, Bloodclotrecovery.com
