Vallejo, CA. A city with a Bay Area vibe, but not too far from the more rural Napa and Yolo counties. The birthplace of rap legends E-40 and Mac Dre. The old stomping grounds of sports legends CC Sabathia, CJ Anderson, and Natalie Coughlin. A place that features attractions ranging from the well known Six Flags Discovery Kingdom to the lesser known Hanns Park. There’s a lot of history here, and today I added myself to the record books.
It was about 80 degrees, uncommonly warm for late October. Once I shook off the fear of climate change burning me alive, I realized that it was a beautiful day. Perfect for following my dreams. I had just finished working and was feeling good, but hungry. Luckily for me, I was right in the heart of Vallejo Corners, a plaza anchored by a Target on one side and a Starbucks on the other. While there are about a dozen businesses here I had my eyes set on 3 in particular: Wingstop, Panda Express, and McDonald’s. For a few years now, I’ve had an idea of doing my own personal “Chicken Run,” where I’d get chicken from these three establishments and eat them all at once. Nuggets from McDonald’s, orange chicken from Panda Express, and a small order of wings from Wingstop. My own personal boneless heaven. I don’t know what came over me, but I just knew that today was the day. I was going to make this happen.
Of course, I had my doubts about this plan. If I didn’t, I would’ve executed it as soon as I came up with it. First of all, I had to be able to actually eat all of the chicken. I always imagined that when I did pull the trigger on this plan, it would be on a day where I didn’t eat breakfast and was starving, which wasn’t the case this day. In addition to this, the rational part of my brain is constantly telling me that this plan is a massive waste of time and money. To be fair, it is a waste of money, but I have to follow my heart.
The plan for the Chicken Run seems simple, but the execution is a little more complex. I went to McDonald’s first even though Wingstop was the closest restaurant to me. I knew that McDonald’s would get my order out the quickest, so it seemed like the smartest move. On my way to McDonald’s I decide to call my first audible. Originally, I was just going to get regular chicken nuggets. However, I remembered that McDonald’s is serving “Spicy BBQ” tenders for a limited time. I decided to get 4 of those instead, and was in and out of McDonald’s in about 5 minutes.
Next I make my way to Panda Express. Here I use my galaxy brain. I knew that Panda Express would have a long line, so I decided to use that wait time to my advantage. While walking, I start downloading Wingstop’s app, and it finishes loading by the time I get to the Panda Express line. I order 6 wings, 3 Hawaiian, 3 Hickory Smoked BBQ while waiting. After slowly making my way through the line, I finally make it to the front. I decide to call my second audible of the day. I was going to get standard orange chicken, but I see “Honey Sesame” chicken being displayed right in front of me, and I just couldn’t resist getting it. As I’m ordering, I try to ask the server to only give me chicken with no side dishes. I knew this was a longshot, but I figured it was still worth a try. The server denied the request and I’m left with some chow mein I don’t want. It’s not the end of the world though, I can always eat it tomorrow.
Now we’re at the main event: Wingstop. The only stop during the Chicken Run that actually specializes in chicken. Since I ordered via app, I only had to wait about 3 minutes to complete my masterpiece. Pure joy flowed through me as I piled all the chicken together, mixing flavors, sauces, and seasonings. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw that the workers at Wingstop blessed me with 3 extra wings. But I soon realized that I made a huge mistake. When I ordered through the Wingstop app, I included fries with my wings. Now, I love Wingstop fries as much as the next guy, but there’s no way I’d have room for them after eating my chicken. I ate about 5 or 6 fries, but regrettably had to waste the rest.
After roughly 30 minutes of waiting and spending roughly 20 dollars on chicken, it’s finally time to eat. I stay at Wingstop because I could easily tuck myself behind the soda machine where nobody can see me take on this ridiculous chicken challenge. It starts off easy, I pick off the Honey Sesame chicken from Panda Express like it’s nothing. Where I run into trouble is with the McDonald’s tenders. Those bad boys are best eaten with a knife and fork, but with so much chicken on my plate, I didn’t have enough room to effectively use my plastic utensils. I focus on the plump boneless Wingstop wings, alternating between Hawaiian and Hickory Smoked BBQ, with an occasional stray Honey Sesame in the mix. Once I was down to 2 boneless wings, I start cutting up my tenders, covering them in the leftover sauce. I was enjoying myself for the first part of this meal, but the final stretch was a struggle. The only thing fueling me at this point is pure willpower. Slowly, I put the final Hawaiian wing in my mouth. Then the final Hickory Smoked BBQ. Then the final bit of McDonald’s tender.
I did it. I finally realized my dream. The Chicken Run was a success. After posting a celebratory Instagram story, I took some time to myself in an empty Wingstop. I’ve been 25 for about a week now, but haven’t lived any differently than I did when I was 24. This was a stupid day of overeating, but at least I accomplished my goal. That feeling of accomplishment was worth my stomach hurting for an hour.
