The Dating Rat Race
Photo Credit: Mayur Gala, Unsplash.com
My journey through 2016 has been a bumpy one. It consisted of:
- planning a wedding
- calling off a wedding
- coming to terms with being single again after almost getting married
- attempting to date again in my mid-30's
It has been one heck of an adventure to say the least!
Finding myself single again this summer, I began my online dating journey. My main motivation to get online over the summer was to see if there were any guys my age that were still single. I was brought up in a fairly conservative Indian family, so pretty much everyone I knew had gotten married in their 20's and already had a couple kids. As it was, I was already “behind schedule” getting married at 34 — and now all of the sudden — I was single at 34!! I was almost certain there would be slim pickings online, and in general, at my age.
I started with the Indian online dating website — Shaadi.com. Shaadi has been around for years. The word “Shaadi” means “Wedding.” It began as a matrimonial website but as the rules of engagement (pun intended) have changed in the Indian community — so has this website. I was on it a few years ago when I was trying to find the “one.” What I found now was that this website has kind of morphed into a typical dating app — with a similar swiping left-right deal that I heard other dating apps had. Much to my surprise though, there were still tons of guys on Shaadi that were my age and still single — many that were never married and never had kids — just like me.
After browsing and having a few conversations on Shaadi, I decided to expand my horizons and see what else was out there. Dating apps were just starting to get popular in 2014 when I met my ex-fiancé, so though I had heard of them over the last 2 years, they were still pretty foreign to me. A few apps I ended up downloading were OkCupid, DilMil (another Indian app), and Bumble. I steered clear of Tinder because of what I had heard about it.
I definitely wanted to start meeting people so I could meet someone that I would like to be in a long-term, serious relationship with, but I struggled to get back into the dating scene. I did finally have a number of conversations and go on a few dates. After doing so, I learned that dating has completely changed! It’s nothing like it was when I was in my 20's — but it’s even changed over the last 2 years!
I had heard that dating in NY and other big cities was challenging because everyone was always looking for the next best thing. I’m starting to think that this is the case everywhere now. When you get on these dating apps, there are so many people! It makes you think that you have TONS OF OPTIONS! Between my multiple dating apps, I’m able to check out 100's of potential guys in a matter of minutes. It should be easy to meet people if so many people are single right? It’s not! I think it’s a trap — one I feel like I’m slipping into at times. It feels like everyone is comparing everyone — and everyone is always looking for the next best option. We’re all competing with the next right-swipe. You’ll start conversions that lead to nothing, meet people that disappear into thin air, and tons of shady things in between.
We’ve all heard that no one is perfect and relationships require work and compromise. I think when the number of dating options we had were limited to people we knew from work, school, and through friends and family, people believed and followed this. However, with so many options available to us online, you start to think you can have it all. I feel like there is kind of a fear of committing to a relationship now because what if there is someone better out there — with all those options?
I’m struggling with these new dating dynamics and trying very hard not to fall into this trap, but how does one find someone meaningful and real in this new dating rat race? That’s one question I hope to find an answer to this coming year. Hopefully, I’ll find someone real and be able to start a new meaningful relationship in the process too!
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I’m a 35 year old Indian women, who was born and raised in the US. I am mix of both east and west cultures, which has influenced my life in many ways — especially when it comes to dating and relationships. I think many people will be able to relate with my journey though my adult life so I figured I’d start sharing.
