The wave of despair
It occurs in no particular time. Usually, it comes after you have reached the highs of your contentment. You think to yourself, I’m doing well, I’m surviving. Things are not great but I can live with less than great. You could feel tiny bits of warmth again and it felt overwhelmingly good. And you think, gratefulness has found a way to me, eventually. How little did you know, that the monster was just hiding, waiting for you to feel good so he could make his next move.
Subtly and sly just as a practiced monster would, sadness begins to slowly creep in, till it sits deep into your bones. You ache from the tiresome dullness of your being. Sleep becomes the only thing you look forward to, the only place you want to be. And you don’t really know what is exactly wrong, what is the cause for this despair? why nothing makes sense anymore? why is this hole inside getting so wide? what is the point of it all? and when is it going to end?
You go through every single worry, you examine every broken relationship, every failed attempt, you relive every nightmare, you rerun all the pain.
And now that it has drawn you to this black zone, as scary as it was at the beginning, it now looks like a familiar territory, you have been here before. It’s comfort. Nothing worse could happen here, you think.
But this numb land is not where you want to be, as relieving as it may appear, this can’t be all there is. So you start looking for the Sun. You show up, as brittle as you are, you face the monster, you beat him. Yes, you do, he is no less brittle than you are. And so you beat him, you beat him till the next time.