…in which we find her spirit

I’m not a “words” person, believe it or not. I’d rather take in information through listening or watching or both. Writing does not come easily to me. I’ll even admit, I’ve always put journal writers into a category of new-age self-absorption, yet, here I am, Lady Hypocrite, at your service. I could make vlogs, but that just seems a even more pathetic at my age than writing a journal. Besides, I know I won’t ever review them. Writing is the only way I know to be as precise with English as I want to be.

I like to take songs and music in aurally first; without visual distraction. I am first captivated by how a song makes me feel, then by the lyrics. Have you ever come across a song that speaks to you so deeply you seem to feel it resonating in the nucleus of every cell in your body? That’s been the case for me for the Strumbellas “Spirits”.

Yeah, I know. This song is getting a lot of air time. A lot of people may not like it, but it speaks to me and that’s all that matters here.

In an interview with Genius, http://genius.com/The-strumbellas-spirits-lyrics, Lead Singer Simon Ward describes the song;

“Basically the song is about fighting your inner demons. Trying to change and become a better person in life. I write songs to reflect where I’m at in life, and this song is me saying to the world that I’m doing my absolute best right now to be a good person.”

Simon, all I’ve got to say is if that was you’re intended meaning…good job.

My mental illness is a struggle every day. I used to watch TV shows where there were people with mental illnesses and they would, say, go off their meds and end up the suspect of a murder because they acted a little weird. I’d always scoff and push it off as a stupid TV trope. Now that I have that responsibility AND the access to great health care, I still have to struggle with the will power to take those meds every day. But this is a story for another post.

Red Lantern by LindseyWArt at deviantart.com http://bit.ly/2dmsRLh

The guns/spirits dichotomy is perfection. It is a clear and distinct correspondence to the inner struggle I face every day and what the drug therapy is trying to help me manage without having me lose my personality and joie de vivre.

The juxtaposition of guns to spirits is a clever yin and yang. Guns are both protection and destruction. Spirits are both comforting and frightening. Everyone has this structure to some degree. As a bipolar person, I just don’t have the genetic and brain-chemical construction to handle them. These “voices” become worse as I’m stressed by various elements…lack of sleep, hunger, emotional fatigue, etc. I really do feel possessed when I can no longer control the voices. My true personality fades into the background; I disappear, and often feel as if I’m floating on the ceiling above a scene in a Broadway drama…and not a very good one either.

It’s at that moment I become utterly and soul-crushingly destroyed because now, I must wait out what ever the scene will be because I have no control over myself. I don’t want to disappoint or become cruel. Sometimes I have the presence of mind to leave before I disassociate…before it gets bad…many nights on the run. Of course, all of this is when I’m in a manic stage. A depressed stage is much different.

I know something inside has changed. I don’t want to stay the same. That’s the hard part. I now have an awareness I haven’t had before. The guns in my head have protected me from the realization of all the things I’d done and said in the past while in a disassociative state. Now that I’m needing the guns less and I’m also able to control them better, I see what apologies I need to make…what pain I need to take back because I caused it.