I’m Still Single Because I Don’t Want to Marry an Asshole
Ezinne Ukoha

I am sincerely, in support, of what you have expressed. I am also in my 40’s, and I did take the plunge, once. It lasted under a year. Why? Because I, in the purest form off Ass, married an asshole. I fell into the pressure of it all, saw the red flags and ignored them or rationalized them as meaning there was something wrong with me (fear of commitment, etc). I was taking on being a stepmother to his daughter. We were together approx 3 years before getting married, and my gut kept trying to break it off, or at least stop the train. Every time I would try to do this, he would always say to me- “I know what you are trying to do, and you are never getting rid of me” (in that loving, secure type of way). The conflict was that I did love him, and I trusted him implicitly; however, I knew there were many things, not right — an instinct that the love we had didn’t mean our lives would meld compatible for marriage. He was insistent, again making me rationalize away my gut feelings. He was the one who planned the wedding! And, it was a grand affair. Then only 6 months after getting married, he began to withdraw….those flags, embodied me (often, as panic attacks). However, I wanted to handle this in a mature way..and rationalized his withdrawal as being a natural part of an adjustment phase. I suggested counseling, before he ever verbalized the idea of divorce. Come on, we just freaking got married! Then, out of the blue, the man I trusted with such confidence (which is not a feeling that comes easily for me), told me, with no affect or emotion - he made a mistake, and didn’t want to be married anymore. Yup. I allowed myself to be duped. He had made this decision completely on his own, and informed me. This was obviously a very fragmented, man, that was able to play a role of who he wanted to be, and have what he wanted (me). But, then, just like a child might have a favorite toy, and suddenly move on to something else, was who he had become. He was older than I, and had the experience of being married before….. just a true Asshole. And, I made my mistakes by falling into the pressure and rationalizing away the flags. A mistake, I will never make again. He got married again 2 years later.

So please, stick to your gut and guns. And, do what is right, for you.