To save or splurge before baby

I’m quitting my job in a few weeks because of baby and because my job sucks. Almost everyone hates their jobs but in my head, if I had to be away from my kid, I would to be at a place where I’m happy. Fortunately, my husband makes enough money for both of us for now, so I can lucky enough to take this break.

In the meantime, I’m trying to save my money and think about the future ahead: the baby, the move to the new apartment, and the wedding next year. But somewhere in the last week, I’ve had a mental pity party in my head and have been longing for a new purse. I haven’t bought one in a while and I debated whether or not it was the smart thing to do considering all the events that are about to happen.

Am I being greedy? Do I really need a purse? Would you even wear it since you’re wearing the same black stretchy pants and tank top uniform for the past couple of months. You know what I ended up doing? I bought that goddamn purse.

Let me tell you, and I’m sure this isn’t the first time I’m saying this on this blog, being pregnant sucks. It sucks a lot. I decided that I should treat myself. I deserve it. I wanted to give myself a gift before I have the baby. If you are passing judgement on me and think I’m being selfish, here’s my list of some personal and some preggy things that brought me to my splurge:

  1. Finding the right clothes is pain. I tried squeezing into old clothes for as long as I could until my belly starts peeking out from under my shirts. I couldn’t bear to bring myself to buy maternity clothes since they are pricey for clothes I may only wear for a couple of months, so I bought loose tank tops and unstructured shirts/tanks that one size too big. That resulted in poorly fitted shirts where my bra poked out and I felt frumpy.
  2. Being a petite person my whole entire life, I started to lose self esteem. Does my significant other still find me attractive? Is he looking at that girl for too long? I usually never dwell on these thoughts before but when you just got married and you feel like a whale, you start to doubt yourself and every woman becomes competition.
  3. I miss my fucking shoes and my dresses. I love wearing wedges and heels during the summer and I’m stuck to wearing yoga pants and flat sandals.
  4. Sleep. I miss that shit too. I don’t sleep well which means I’m cranky which means that everything annoys me. Also, staying awake at work has become a job all on it’s own. I also unfortunately lash out my husband and sometimes the cats if they so much make a peep while I’m sleeping.
  5. I get serious mood swings. Sometimes I want to hold my husband’s head under water until I watch the last air bubbles trickle to the top of the water. I get so mad at him or at my mom so easily! I try to balance it out and calm myself, but sometimes I can’t stand to be in the same room with him.
  6. Just general constant state of being uncomfortable. There’s this huge bump that gets in the way of washing dishes, peeing, shaving your legs, picking up things, sitting with your laptop, sleeping, sitting at your desk. After I eat, I have to prepare myself for the uncomfortable 10 minutes that follows it. The baby just stretches out and moves around in my stomach and it’s starting to be less cute and more painful.
  7. Excema. Everywhere. I have sweaty feet and hands but everywhere else on my body is dry. Sometimes I can sit on my feet because then I’ll have two puddles on my butt.
  8. Work. You guys, I’ve never been so micromanaged in my life. It feels like I have to ask permission for every single thing I do, and when I do that people get annoyed because I’m bothering them and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The ridiculousness of my employers really deserve a post all on it’s own, but the place is driving me (and about half of the employees working there) bonkers.
  9. Fear. I’m in constant fear that I’m missing out on my youth or my time alone without a child. Should I be going out somewhere? Should I meeting more people? I feel like my life is about to change and I’m not ready for it.

The list goes on and on. I feel like my brain never stops thinking or worrying or trying to plan, or getting angry at my husband, or caring for the baby. Being pregnant is more than just the big bump and swollen feet. There’s a lot more mental duress than you think. If you or a friend becomes pregnant, don’t be too hard on them or yourself and TREAT. YO. SELF. You deserve it. Induge in what you can and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about it. Because fuck them.

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