As I come up on my one (1) year anniversary of starting HRT (will be devoting an entire article towards that as the date draws near), I would be remiss to not include an article where I have seen all trans people recount how there were signs throughout their life that they were always transgender, they just didn’t know it or society told them not to acknowledge the signs. So I don’t want to be the one Medium writer that does not have one of these articles in written my quill pen because there were signs all my life of which I think are important to document as part of my journey.
The signs for me were very subtle at first. My earliest memory was I was around five (5) years old watching GI Joe for whatever reason as I typically never watched that cartoon. My brother must have left it on or something but there was a part in there where a person was forced against their will and turned into a snake. You know what my first thought was “Wow, that would be so awesome if we could change into something else.” The thought really excited me…while not gender bending but the seed was I wouldn’t say planted but the possibility of becoming someone or something else took shape there.
The next memory would I think I was nine (9) years old at the time. My mother had a laundry room and it was full of all her old shoes (pretty much ratty flats/sandals…but definitely feminine in nature). I tried to put one pair on, a simple black pair and was immediately scolded “Those are for girls, not you!” and then I immediately put the ratty pair back with the rest of them, never to touch them again.
Then as I became a little older, maybe twelve (12) years old I loved vacuuming. Ok ok, I know this should NOT be a gender thing but when my mom and dad saw me liking it, my dad immediately had me working on cars or helping him fix things around the house or mowing the lawn. Trust me my mom welcomed the vacuuming, lol. But deep down I know it didn’t sit right with her or my dad.
And then came puberty at the age of thirteen (13). The internet was fairly new at this point so think around 1995–1996. Dial up modems which were slow as all hell, but for the first time the world wide web was at my finger tips and afforded me the opportunity to explore. What did I explore first you ask?
Well of course I searched for people transforming into animals from that seed that was inexorably planted from that GI Joe cartoon that I know was a part of me since birth. I then stumbled upon a website called Fictionmania, a treasure trove of not only transformation stories, but predominantly those consisting of men transformed against their will into women (sound familiar?) When I read the male to female stories it REALLY excited me…so much so that I masturbated to the idea of being a woman. From the clothing to the shoes to the way the women were described as having beautiful curves and soft skin. I wanted all of that but not in real life of course. I was just “relieving” myself and go back to being boring old deadname and that life everyone expected me to live.
Then fast forward the next twenty-six (26) years or so and I rinsed and repeated the above cycle. Logging in every few days excited for the new stories that awaited me, especially the ones with images. As time went on, my thirst for men being transformed into women increased to videos in foreign languages but with American subtitles dubbed in and all related to a man having been transformed into a woman. Wow, this was the good stuff I thought and just kept on going as if this was all normal…
But it wasn’t. It was a coping mechanism I later found out to deal with the gender dysphoria I had all my life. As I have mentioned in countless other articles that I have written, I came across an article written by Amanda Roman titled “It’s Just a Fetish” which talked exactly about the above scenario, being excited at the idea of being forced to be a woman because of course I did not want the burden of making that choice. What man would WANT to be a woman if given the choice? That’s not what was expected of me as a man, brother, godfather, etc. Ahhh, but if it was forced upon me like all those fantasy stories, oh gosh darn right? Well if I was turned into a woman have to live as a woman oh darn! (in a facetious tone).
I was about six (6) months into therapy with a gender identity therapist at Planned Parenthood. I was ready to be done with my therapist thinking this is my life, it’s normal, I have everything figured out…but I didn’t. It’s not normal to want to be another gender so much so that it excites you to the point of pleasuring yourself. That aforesaid Amanda Roman article came across my proverbial desk on December 26, 2001 (my egg cracking date). I had posted something on Reddit and someone shared that story with me and when I was done reading it…for the 5th or 6th time I inevitably sent it to my therapist and said “Is this not what I have been describing to you during ALL my sessions?” To that he replied “You could have wrote that article! So when do you want to start HRT?”
I did not start HRT right away as much as I wanted to. There were two (2) main reasons for this as I was to be a groomsmen in a wedding for my cousin in November (11 months away and didn’t want to bind my chest in a tux) and the second reason is I did not want to hear the platitude of “Did you at least talk to someone before making this decision? This could be a phase…” Something I know would be echo’d by my immediate family (and eventually they did) and seemingly anyone else. So I waited until I was one (1) year in therapy and then August 1, 2022 I started HRT.
No more excuses, no more lying to myself, no more living a lie. As much as I fantasized and wanted this all my life, it now become more than that. I NEEDED to do this otherwise I know deep down I would never be happy and conversely I could never be the best version of myself. They say you can’t love someone else until you love yourself and deep down I feel like this “fetish” / coping mechanism would never allow me to have a normal relationship. How could I honestly live with myself when I would yearn to be the very person I was dating / married to ? The answer unfortunately many of you know all too well and I feel fortunate for once to not have found love…just yet.
The real injustice here is that society teaches us to ignore any gender queues / signs of wanting to be the opposite gender all of our lives. Boys can’t play with Barbies and girls aren’t supposed to play with GI Joes. Teenage boys should play sports and act all macho while girls are expected to be pretty and girly. Finally, men aren’t supposed to wear dresses or explore any shred of femininity and women aren’t supposed to dress like construction workers and act all macho. All things society quantifies as right or wrong…and that’s an inherent evil of the society we have built unfortunately.
But this new younger generation I have great hope for. You ever see the movie The Breakfast Club and the Principal is talking with the Janitor on a Saturday while supervising the detentionees and the Principal says to the Janitor “You think about this: when you get old, when I get old, these kids, they’re going to be running the country...Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night. That when I get older, these kids are going to take care of me.”
For once in human history I do not fear for the future for as much negativity as there is in the world. The next generation must be and do better for future generations and I think the gravity of that situation is settling in. Each generation must step up and be better than the next and keep progressing or we’ll fail to be a society at that point and I for one look forward to a future where boys are allowed to be more feminine and put on dresses and experiment with makeup and girls are allowed to encouraged to not live up to the impossible beauty standards and normalize hoodies and wearing pants with pockets and get their hands dirty and throw out those societal gender constructs holding us back…for now. Cheers!
