Sunday Dinner with just a hint of TG

I went to dinner over the weekend to my brother’s house. Even though we are Polish, my brother made chicken cutlets so it felt like an Italian dinner, but still a great get together until the “T” word somehow ended up in the conversation.

By “T” word I of course mean Transgender. I think it came about as my nephew (who is 15) has been growing out his hair and has it in a pony style of hair. My niece (who is 18) chimed in “Are you trying to look like a girl?” Just playful banter between my nephew and niece and my mom goes “Why would someone ever want to be something you’re not?” Oh boy, do I have my work cut out for me, lol.

My mom (nor my family) has no knowledge of my plans to transition and to start HRT later in the summer. So me trying to gauge where she is at if/when she does find out I respond with “People can do whatever they want. If it makes them happy and they have the means, I say go for it.” Me waiting patiently for my mother’s response until my brother overhears the conversation and goes “Yeah but why would anyone want to cut off their ‘thing’”…oh lord, this should be fun when they start to see breasts budding from me, lol.

I can see this is going to be an uphill battle…nay learning experience for them when the time comes but ultimately a necessary one. If I were to answer my mother’s question honestly earlier “Why would someone ever want to be something you’re not?” I would answer that question with a question “What makes you think they were ever truly themselves?” Is it because that person dressed and acted the way you and society expected them to? Or maybe, just maybe they never were really themselves in the first place and they were living a lie all along, they just didn’t know it yet.

That’s ok, my mom grew up in a different era. There was no binary/non-binary/transfemme/lesbian/gay/questioning terminology when she was growing up. She is a product of her upbringing and environment, one that I cannot fault her for. But one I hope in time she will come to understand that this is not so much a choice, but something I need to do medically to relieve my gender dysphoria.

Just like when you have a bacterial infection, you take an antibiotic. Well the only way to relieve this dysphoria is by going through a second puberty (many of you know all too well and one I am nervous but excited for).

While I have come out to a few friends, I have already made the decision to not tell my family at all about my transition plans (from the above, you can already understand my hesitation). I have read many stories about both sides of the coin about whether to honest and straightforward and just come right out with it. While others decided to let nature take its course and if people figure it out, I will be honest and forthright with them.

But it is definitely not something I feel I owe my family anything. This decision is for me, by me and mine alone. If I have to face it alone so be it because I have to wake up every morning staring at my face and body. The one looking back at me is up to me. If they are on board, even better because I love my family.

But another reason for not telling them is I want to enjoy my time with them in the event they do shun me or are not accepting. I know people say “You’d be surprised how some people act when you tell them you are transitioning”…well if there is any indication from our Sunday dinner I’d say it’s going to be a long road ahead of me, one that I hope with my family by my side. If not, at least I know that I can finally be at peace with who I was always meant to be.

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Amber Poe

Amber Poe

I am a 40 year old AMAB who is one month on HRT to become the woman I always destined to be.