We usually don’t listen.
We listen to only what we say, about what others are saying.
Powerful listening is rare.
It is even rarer that a human being feels heard. Understood. Like, ‘someone finally gets me.
If you don’t feel heard, if you feel people don’t listen to you, you might like to examine the quality of your own listening.
When we don’t listen to others powerfully, we ourselves feel distant and aloof. Disconnected from the depth and beauty of humanity in others. Misunderstood and alone. The world seems to be a dry, lonesome and harsh place.
What if you were genuinely curious and concerned about others’ challenges in their lives? If you took an authentic interest in people around you? Be deeply present and appreciative of the challenges of human life reflected in their emotions, conversations and their ways of being and behaving. When you are authentically concerned about others, you would no longer be as self-conscious about your need to look good or about your own predicaments. This outlook can give purpose to your everyday life and work.
Yet, we only begin to listen, when we are able to catch ourselves not listening.
What can make you a powerful listener?
Otto Scharmer talks about four levels of listening
Level-1: Listening to Reconfirm
We usually operate in this first level in which we listen primarily to reconfirm our existing point of view and respond. We stand within our past experience and understanding-
- about the person who is speaking
- about ourselves and
- about the situation and our opinion of what is possible in the future.
We can clearly see the points of view that others have, as just opinions not facts and when they argue from there, we judge them for being closed-minded. But our own opinions and points of view appear to us as facts. As if we can see things as really are while others are coloured by their biases. We are unable to see our point of view as a point of view. While we too almost always listen from a pre-established mindset, and we add meaning and significance based on our original view to whatever we hear.
When we arrive with a clear point of view, the conversation seems predictable. We listen to agree or disagree. Nothing new is heard. Nothing new is possible.
Visualize two neighbours in their first-floor apartments, with facing balconies, sitting in their own living rooms, talking to each other over the phone on a sunny winter afternoon. Imagine yourself as one of them. Imagine that your apartment faces the afternoon sun, so it is warm, in fact perhaps too warm. But the neighbour’s room gets no sun in the afternoon. Now if your neighbour says that he has been feeling “too cold”, you find it difficult to understand.
In this kind of listening, you have been listening from your own world view, while they are talking from their worldview.
Think about the meetings which are not creating new breakthroughs, and see if you can see the mindset and opinions that you come to the meeting with. The point of view that is held in your view of the situation, the other person and yourself. One telling sign of this kind of listening is the thought- “I know what they are going to say.” The listening is only to reconfirm.
To set aside your point of view, examine what is it that you know to be ‘true’ about the other person, about the situation and yourself in the context of what is going on. Release whatever you have brought to the conversation from the past experience. Listen with the curiosity of a ‘beginner’s mind’.
We only begin to listen, only when we can catch ourselves not listening.
Level 2: Listening with an Open Mind
If you are able to set aside your points of view, then you would be able to bring true curiosity to what is being said. New awareness is now possible about–
- what is said,
- what is happening now that is different from the past and
- what is possible now that was not possible earlier.
It is as if you stepped out of your living room into your balcony and are willing to look at the ever-changing world. You notice that there is no sun on the side of your neighbour’s apartment.
In this paradigm, the world is no longer limited by how it was till now, everything is evolving and open to change. Others’ ways of being, their points of view, the situation, everything is transforming so it needs your full attention. Your mind is sharply open, alert and curious. You begin to listen for what is spoken while remaining fully conscious that you could be adding or subtracting from what is spoken because of your point of view. You try to recreate in your mind the message exactly as it was intended. And then you play it back to verify if you got the message exactly as it was intended. That is the start of powerful listening.
During a coaching engagement a client had written to me her life story- or at least most of it. When we met, I recounted to her a summary of what she had written simply relaying and recreating it back to her with a little generosity. Just listening to her own words moved her to tears. She said, “no one had ever paid attention to me like this before.”
Level 3: Listening with an Open Heart
Imagine that you actually climbed down the stairs from your first-floor apartment and crossed over to the neighbour’s side, climbed their stairs and got into their flat.
Now you see the situation and the world from their eyes, through their life experiences. Perhaps you notice the lack of warm clothing, you begin to think about their difficulties and setbacks in life. Such listening is an act of kindness. You come to the conversation with your heart already open and ready to be touched and moved.
When you listen to them it is a door to enter their worldview and experience of life. You recreate in you not just exactly what was spoken but also their world and life. And, even if you don’t agree with them, you empathise. Before responding you pause a moment just to be with what was shared, to letting them get that you are syncing with their experience. The moment creates a spacious yet deep connection.
Now they feel you don’t just hear them, you get them.
When you respond, you address not just the hard facts of the situation but also their feelings. You acknowledge and validate their experience without necessarily agreeing with them. And when you negotiate you address their concerns.
Connections are only possible when you listen with an open heart. We hardly ever truly listen even to our loved ones, you see. Relationships can have depth when you open your heart to deeper listening.
But even this is not the highest level of listening.
Level 4: Listening from their best Future
The fourth level of listening is the most powerful kind. It is how good coaches and leaders listen.
Let us take the example of your neighbour. The fourth level of listening needs you to first imagine the possibility of them becoming brilliantly successful, happy and even powerful in the future.
You rely on the strength of your character and integrity to create this possibility of them being successful as an act of generosity, love and support. You hold on to this possibility even if they can’t see it themselves yet, and even if the facts of reality do not support it yet.
You know anything is possible if they work hard. They can’t see it yet because they are low, so you must step forward and break the limits of what is possible for them and create new possibilities for them.
When you are listening from their best future, it changes your perspective on their present situation. Their troubles and struggles appear to be temporary stepping stones to their success. You know that they can come out of them as winners, as powerful beings.
Holding on to this possibility, you enter the conversation. You share it in a way that it powerfully inspires, and creates hope. If you can be clear and firm, it shifts their perspective. Gradually, your presence becomes a powerful source of confidence and faith in their effort and persistence.
You don’t give a false dream, you see? But a loving gift of confidence and belief in the power of their own action. Your view of a new and possible future touches their heart, inspires them and moves them in a way that they are pulled into action.
Great teachers listen like this.
When a good teacher looks at you, they do not see who you are now, but who you are going to be when you have really made it big.
My school physics teacher was someone like that. She would often ask me to sit right in the front of the class. Even when I was barely doing okay in tests, she’d expect me to excel. “You didn’t top the class in Physics this time?”
I started working harder just to meet her expectations. Physics became my favourite subject. Eventually, I did engineering and made a career in it.
Perhaps there someone like that in your life. Someone who appreciated you — even more than you felt you deserved. Saw the ability in you that you couldn’t yet see in yourself. In whose eyes, you appeared better than you did to yourself. Who encouraged you relentlessly, and filled you with hope and self-belief. Perhaps, that person is responsible for having created your self-image grounded on a sound foundation of positive self-worth.
This kind of listening is intentional. It needs courage, integrity and character. It needs practice. But you can develop it.
“The power of attention is the real superpower of our age. Attention, aligned with intention, can make mountains move.” — Otto Scharmer
This kind of listening is an act of generosity. It is rare. And powerful. It can change lives. Leaders listen like this. Good coaches try to master this kind of listening.
You can too.
