Saying “no” can be incredibly difficult and deeply uncomfortable for introverts or shy individuals. How easy is it for you to say “no”? If you struggle to say no, then you need to read this.
Saying “no” is necessary
- If you are unable to say no to requests for your presence, time, energy, and money regarding things that you don’t value, you can feel drained or overwhelmed. You also need time to recover and recoup. Saying no when you need to, is important for your emotional, financial, and sometimes physical safety, comfort and health.
- Setting healthy boundaries in relationships enriches them. Relationships based on mutual respect offer more understanding and space for a simple no. When you don't sense the freedom to say how you feel, particularly saying no to what you don't want, the relationships can seem shallow or pressurizing instead of being comforting, supportive, and meaningful.
- When you can’t say no, you may struggle to assert yourself to request or demand what you need and deny yourself what you need or desire.
- Saying “no” allows you to say “yes” more powerfully. If you can’t say no, you have no power in your yes. You don't have the freedom to focus on what is important to you, what you desire, and what you need for your peace and relaxation.
- Sometimes, when you’re unable to say “no” boldly, you are not being authentic and denying your heart a voice — not being true to yourself. It impedes your self-expression and results in neglecting your priorities and values, leaving you feeling dissatisfied, incomplete, and unfulfilled. It can feel suffocating, frustrating, and deeply unhealthy.
It is unkind and inauthentic not to say no when you mean to
- We may think we are being kind by not saying no to someone we care for, but that’s not always the truth. There may be an element of cowardice in it.
- When you are unable to say no, you let others have their way with your time, resources, or values, and you go along with it. But over time, this builds resentment, frustration and anger in you. You may blame others for being insensitive, selfish, or taking advantage of you, but the situation arose from your lack of clear communication. Deep down, you know you should have said “no” to what you didn’t want.
Why does it feel so offensive to say “no”?
- Saying “no” makes you feel guilty, as if you are saying something rude or outrageous. It feels like an act of rejection or insult, and it feels like it can cost you the relationship. You fear losing their love and acceptance if you say no.
- There is a strong need to avoid conflict and maintain peace. So saying “no” raises inner discomfort.
- Our need to look good and avoid looking bad also steals our freedom to speak our minds. What would they think? How would it look?
- Sometimes when we don't say clearly, we expect others to be more sensitive enough to understand how we feel. But if we didn’t express ourselves clearly, is it fair to expect?
- It feels easier to say “yes” now and hope to backtrack later. But this doesn't work. It becomes more difficult to backtrack once you have said yes. You are stuck since if you say “no” at a late stage, it will surprise and upset them even more.
Your inability to say no is linked to your reluctance to hear it from others
Can you stand to hear no from others? Notice the discomfort that arises when you imagine someone saying no to you. You struggle to say no because you have not learned to accept “no” from others.
You hold judgement against the act of saying “no”. So you can neither accept it nor say it.
We don’t just hear a simple “no”
We are unable to take “no” from others because “no” is not just a “no” that we hear. When we hear “no”, our mind adds more meaning that gives greater significance to the message that we are receiving. Along with “no”, we hear things like:
- No, I don’t care for you.
- No, I won’t help you.
- No, you are not important to me.
- No, I don’t like or love you enough to help you.
- No, I would ignore you, etc.
We can’t stand to receive these messages that we feel are coming with “no”, so we can’t stand to hear “no”. For us, “no” is not just a simple “no”. When you fear hearing “no”, you fear receiving these messages that you feel are hidden in “no”.
How does it feel to you when someone says “no” to you? What else do you feel is being conveyed to you along with “no”?
Imagine, someone saying no to you. Notice what emotions arise in your heart. What messages are coming up when you hear “no”?
But all they’re saying is a simple “no”
There is no other significance to ‘no’. The additional meaning, significance, and unspoken messages are things arising within you. Those are emotions that are asking for healing.
Heal the negative emotions with self-love
- If you feel fear rising in you when saying no, bring kindness and love to yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat a fearful child who is a bit hurt and trying to express themselves.
- Have you been suppressing or invalidating your feelings? The worst way to deal with emotions is to deny them or resist them. When you suppress your emotions, wishing them away, they only burden you with inner heaviness and frustration. Holding strong emotions for long causes stress. It can impact your health.
- Respect your own emotions. You are entitled to your emotions. Give yourself space to feel. When you let yourself feel, these emotions would not hang about for long. To let yourself feel, does not mean to encourage yourself to repeat inner conversations that evoke troubling emotions. Distinguish between your feelings and emotions. The source of our emotions can be subconscious due to past troublesome experiences, but feelings are conscious — due to your inner conversations.
Try this, with your strong emotions- Pause. Slow down. Breathe deeply, gently and spaciously. Calm down your heart. Let yourself feel the raw emotions. Without permitting too much inner dialogue. Just feel how you feel. They will pass and leave you lighter.
- Acknowledge your fears, and then let your adult self voice what needs to be voiced without holding back, but do it with love. Then give voice to your feelings. It will set you free.
Permit others to say “no” to you
Only if you can create from within a willingness to permit others to say no to you, will be free to say “no” freely, without attaching significance to it.
Can you bring yourself to be ready to receive “no”? This needs stepping out of the comfort zone and healing the emotions associated with making requests. Make bold requests and observe and heal the emotions that arise when you anticipate others to say “no”.
Exercise: Make Bold Requests, while staying open to being told “no”
Make bold requests. Raise inner receptivity to hear “no”.
You can also ask someone else to say “no” to you firmly.
Slow down. Notice the subtle negative emotions or hurt that arises inside you when you are faced with “no” or when you are anticipating “no”. Fully experience these feelings. Be present with those feelings. Don’t resist them. Just stay with these feelings.
Notice that they just said “no”, nothing else. It was a simple “no”. Nothing more. There is no rejection in it. See if you have added anything to it. Drop it. Tell yourself they just said “no” there is no significance to it.
Tell them you hear their no. Ask them to repeat it until you are perfectly comfortable hearing it.
Practice saying “no”
Saying “no” to a particular request or idea is simply that — a simple “no” to that. Nothing more. Practice saying it without any emotional baggage. You can say it politely and without worrying too much about how the other person may take it — you will never know how others will react before you say your mind. You have to force yourself out of your comfort zone and practice saying “no”.
Honour yourself
- Listen to your heart. Honour it. Sometimes “no” is a natural expression of your values and love for yourself.
- Prioritise your needs. If you only look after everyone else’s desires and neglect your needs, you won’t be able to go on for long. Add more self-care to your routine.
- Build up your self-worth. Saying a polite but clear “no” is a sign of self-confidence, self-expression, and assertiveness.
- Be honest. It is better to be upfront about your feelings rather than commit to something you’re not comfortable with. As humans, we are entitled to change our minds frequently. Tell the person asking you for something that you’re too tired, not up for it, or not really into the activity they’re asking you to be a part of.
- You don’t owe anyone an apology for saying “no”. The need to explain and apologize stems from a sense of guilt. It is not rude to say no. When you apologize just for saying no, you deepen your sense of shame and guilt. You don’t have to feel guilty for giving priority to what is important to you, your well-being, and your feelings. It is not emotionally healthy.
“No is a complete sentence.” — Anne Lammott
- No one ever became great without this quality.
“People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.”- Steve Jobs
Don't say “yes” if that's not what you want
Even if you can’t bring yourself to say “no” don’t say “yes”. If it is not something you are okay with you can buy time. It may be less authentic, but at least you don’t have to say yes to something you want to say no to.
- Give yourself time to respond to a request. Take the pressure off when asked to do something by saying, “Let me think about it and get back to you.”
- Plan how to say no in advance. Write it out if you need to. Remember that even if the person is disappointed or angry, you do them a favour by being true to yourself.
- Try suggesting an alternative, but remember that you don’t owe it to them.
- Say no early. The longer you wait to say no, the harder it becomes. If you know you don’t want to do something, it’s better to say no right away rather than putting it off. They can develop an alternative plan.
- Remember, it’s okay to change your mind.
Say “no” with love
You will find more courage and openness to say it when you say “NO” honestly, and openly but with love and compassion. Be direct, straight and complete in your message. But be kind and honest. You can do both. Say NO and do it with love. They are not mutually exclusive. Heal away any anger, frustration, or regret. Say “no” with love.
Say it straight. Repeat it till they get it
Be direct and repetitive. Say it again and again until they understand. Hold your ground, especially when dealing with an extrovert who doesn’t understand what it means to be an introvert. If they don’t accept your no and try to pressure you into changing your answer, using “I” or “it” statements can be more difficult for them to dispute, such as:
“I don’t want this right now…”
“It’s just not a good time.”
“It really doesn’t work for me.”
“I prefer…”
When you have created freedom for yourself to say no or yes, you can be the cause of creating what you value in your life. You can take charge of your life.
