Living with self-diagnosed anxiety.

It’s not acceptable in my culture to claim an illness as my property or as a part of me. In my home, illnesses are temporary things that can be fixed through prayer, drinking lots of water and going to bed as early as 6pm.

Also, where I come from, we don’t talk about mental illness .

Side Note: it’s very awkward for me to describe anxiety as a mental illness but it is something that affects my mind more than it affects my body and it really is controlled by my mind although I don’t want to put it on the same level as insanity or clinical depression which are more serious.

Anyway, where I come from, we don’t talk about these things. Nobody goes to their doctor to diagnose something like this.

So I diagnosed myself. With the help of WebMD.

I have several symptoms.

I find it extremely difficult to wake up in the morning. Or in the afternoon. Or in the evening.

Any thought or mention of my future leaves me with a lump in my throat and a sickly feeling at the pit of my stomach.

Every time I have to go for an interview or meet with someone about a job or whatever I want to do as a career, I feel physically ill and cry for a good 5–10 minutes.

Sometimes, having to make a decision means I can’t breathe.

On some days, I turn my phone on airplane mode and lie in bed all day half listening to a show and half stressing about my life.

It has turned me into a recluse. I don’t want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. I sometimes have to force myself to leave my house after making plans with people because at the last minute, I just can’t muster the energy to actually go wherever.

But it’s self diagnosed anxiety. As far as the rest of my world is concerned, I’m just lazy and anti-social.