The idea was ‘to pounce upon’.
Aura Wilming

I remember watching a nature documentary about wolves. While the alpha male was away… a lower male took the opportunity to have sex with one of the females. When he was in the middle of doing so… the alpha male returned and sped over to teach him a lesson. Of course the lower wolf tried to run away… but he was still… uh… attached… to the female. So he sort of dragged her along in his frantic attempt to get away. It was cringe worthy to watch. But it was also funny.

It makes sense that arousal increases a person’s tolerance to things that they would normally find gross. But now I want to know specifics!

When I’m hanging out with a new guy friend I like to ask him a series of questions. The first question is to learn which actress/star he would want to have sex with the most. Then I ask a bunch of questions. It’s kinda like that old commercial… what would you do for a Klondike bar?

Would you be willing to pay her for sex? If so, how much?

Would you be willing to have sex with her if she was missing a hand? Arm? Leg? All limbs?

Let’s say that she has all her parts and she’s willing to have sex with you…. but she’s pregnant. 3 month? 6 months? 9 months?

She’s not pregnant… but she just had a kid. She’s willing to have sex with you but there’s one condition. You have to drink her breast milk.

New condition… she wants to snowball you.

New condition… she wants to pee on you. No problem? What if the condition was that she wants to poop on you? I don’t think that anybody has ever answered “yes” to this question. Of course my answer is no. But I can’t help but wonder whether my answer would still be no if I was actually at a bar with Jennifer Connelly. Heh. It’s so gross but I think that if she was actually sitting across from me then I would probably seriously think about it.

New condition… she wants to throw a mutual friend into the mix. It’s best if the mutual friend is hanging out with us. She’s willing to have sex with you… but she wants Chris to participate. If the guy I’m interrogating says no, then I’ll grill him to figure out why not. If he says yes, then I might replace Chris with other mutual friends or celebrities or public figures (Donald Trump/Hillary Clinton).

New condition… she wants to video tape it. If he says yes, then I say that she wants to leak the video.

No conditions… but she has a disclaimer… chlamydia. Yes? Then I go down the list. I don’t think that anybody has said yes to AIDs. Another potential disclaimer is a colostomy bag. One of my exes had one. Needless to say I answered yes to that question. It wasn’t a deal breaker.

I’m probably forgetting a few but the last one is whether they would have sex with her if she had just died. Everybody says it’s a deal breaker. If they get too weirded out then I accuse them of protesting too much.

Back in college, my friend Erik came up with some rules for the zombie apocalypse. One of his biggest rules was under no circumstances should you have sex with a zombie. For some reason I had the most problem with this rule. I kept wanting to find an exception to it... “Even if she was the last lady on Earth??!!” He always answered the same, “Nope. NO exceptions!” Now there’s a show called iZombie on Netflix. Erik and I lost touch but now I feel the need to look him up so that I can ask him whether the main character would count as an exception.

Let me know if you think of any interesting potential deal breakers. Hmm… I don’t think that I’ve brought up S&M. It has potential.

Ughh… I remember one of my stupidest deal breakers. I was in college and there was a cute Taiwan girl studying abroad who was into me. She wanted me to teach her how to swim. One day we were having lunch and I noticed that she didn’t shave her armpits. There wasn’t even much hair but it was a deal breaker for me. Of course I didn’t tell her why. It was nearly 20 years ago and I’m still kicking myself.

I haven’t tried peanut butter and hot sauce on cucumbers. In other words, I’ve never been pregnant! Perhaps the closest I’ve gotten is that sometimes I like to add some cayenne to my salad dressing.

Mix tapes were the best. But I never made crappy ones! Mine were incredibly awesome. Works of art even. I still made them but with cds. Although I guess it’s easy enough to just use a thumb drive.

Woah, I think that your idea for the most metaphysical threesome was too metaphysical. Would it be gay? As a straight guy I find this question kinda fun. Clearly it’s not gay to touch my own penis. But what if I could go down on myself? Would that be gay? If not, then what if there were two of me… would it be gay for us to have sex? What if one of us was wearing a wig? heh.

Another fun question is when, exactly, it would count as cheating for my girlfriend to have sex with a machine. Obviously it’s not cheating if she’s using a vibrator. So how “advanced” would the machine have to be before I would accuse her of cheating? If I catch her in bed with a machine… but I think it’s just a regular dude… I’d probably jump to the conclusion that she’s cheating. She would say, “No, I just upgraded my vibrator”. Would I feel redundant? Ideally no. Ideally he would perfectly complement me. Ideally I’d want to have sex with him. It wouldn’t be gay… as long as he was wearing a wig.

Why a poet, a yoga instructor and a philosophy student? I think that threesomes can be inferior to foursomes. But they don’t have to be. Have you seen “Love” on Netflix? The threesome scene wasn’t too shabby. Of course it wasn’t metaphysical enough for me. But the physical aspect was nice and fluid. and OKcupid aren’t matching people’s valuations. At least not in the economic sense. Valuations are a function of spending/paying/sacrificing.

For example, here are all the stories that you’ve recommended. Imagine that you had to spend $10 dollars on those stories… but you could choose how you divvied up your 1000 pennies among them. Would you randomly allocate your pennies? Would you evenly allocate your pennies? Chances are good that the amount of pennies you allocated to a story would reflect your perception of the story’s relative scarcity.

valuation = your perception of relative scarcity

It is these needs which are essentially deficits in the organism, empty holes, so to speak, which must be filled up for health’s sake, and furthermore must be filled from without by human beings other than the subject, that I shall call deficits or deficiency needs for purposes of this exposition and to set them in contrast to another and very different kind of motivation. — Abraham Maslow, Toward a Psychology of Being

The more pennies that you allocated to a story, the more it helped to fill an empty hole.

We can use words to communicate how well a story is filling a hole… but words don’t speak as loudly as sacrifice. If lots of people are willing to spend lots of money on a story… then we can reasonably guess that the story is filling a lot of holes.

Sex depends on good communication. Why? Because nobody is a mind reader. If somebody was a mind reader, then it would be pretty reasonable to conclude that this would give them a huge sexual advantage. They would have all the relevant information and act accordingly.

Imagine if two people are about to have sex… Samantha and Frank. Next to the bed are two jars…. one for him and one for her. When Samantha and Frank start to kiss… they derive utility from doing so. But do they derive equal utility from kissing? Probably not. Let’s say that she derives one penny of utility for every two seconds of kissing and he derives one penny of utility per second. While they are kissing… his money is going into her jar and vice versa. It’s magically being deposited.

Essentially, their pleasure is being translated into money. They are paying each other for pleasure. The more pleasure she gives him, the more of his money goes into her jar. If she’s going down on him… and she notices that her jar is starting to fill up too quickly with his money… then she can slow things down.

Every sexual activity is subject to diminishing returns. When the returns on the missionary position have noticeably diminished, Frank and Samantha would switch to a new position.

What happens if she tries to fake an orgasm? No matter how good she is at faking it… his money will not be deposited into her jar. Of course she wouldn’t need to fake an orgasm because he’ll know exactly how much pleasure she derives from everything that he does.

Would this idea be very popular with the porn industry? At first glance no…. but maybe? If the actors were genuinely enjoying themselves then all the money that appeared in their jars would definitively prove it. But I’m not sure how many porn consumers care whether or not the actors are enjoying themselves…

Anyways, here we are on Medium. We read and write stories. It’s pretty much like we’re all having sex with each other. Would it be beneficial to know how much pleasure we’re giving each other? Well yeah. It’s a given that an accurate feedback loop would result in far more pleasure for everyone.

Each month we’d pay a $1/dollar but we could choose which stories we spend our pennies on. Then we’d all see and know everybody’s valuations.

The pragmatarian model would be applied to Spotify and Netflix and… the government. So we could all choose where our taxes go. Then everybody’s valuations would be known and Seldon would eventually use the data to suggest the perfect combinations of people.