rain drops in the ocean

I felt compelled to write this. I’ll keep it short.

Almost dying in 2011 was the foundation of me still being here in 2016.

I can’t go into it all (right now) but my Lupus tried to get me out of the entirety of the paint, and only my defiance and the thought that I had no other choice BUT to fight kept me going. Back in 2011, when I was gasping for air, fighting…WILLING my lungs to fill up, the thought of holding my breath never crossed my mind. I was going to fight this. I was going to walk out of that hospital. I was going to heal my womb. And (for a while) I did it all alone.

A lot happened the past 3 years, some public, almost all of it private. The space I inhabited was toxic and detrimental to my Self, but the waves of transgressions never let me come up for air, never let me get my bearings. I lost sight of the shore. Waves came from all around, different directions, bringing in the winds of different seas.

And I found myself gasping again. This time, however, the sharks of Depression and Self-Worth circled and the fight seeped from me with each rising tide. I almost gave up.

But two of the most important people (outside of family) would not let me. They weren’t life rafts or buoys…they were in passing kayaks and jumped into the water to swim with me. It wasn’t their strength that kept me going, they took the risk that my negative state would affect theirs. They were super conscious of their own demons, but decided to pit theirs against mine so that I wouldn’t feel alone.

My grandparents’ deaths saved my life. The pain was indescribable, but it also was a jolting pain, different from the ache I was accustomed to. I saw a weakness in my mother that I never knew she had and knew that I needed to be strong for her…to allow her the chance to grieve. I found my grandmother’s golden cross and diamond encrusted “A” while we were clearing her house after the funeral. I put it on and promised God that I will live how He intended me to.

I still feel like I’m on rough waters, and I definitely have more bad days than good, but capsizing is no longer a fear of mine. And I know the one person-canoe I found keeps all others at a safe distance but I’m working on that too. Maybe I’ll allow for a crew soon.

And maybe the rough waters will show more than what you see….my shimmering reflection on the ocean surface is more than just rain drops in the sea.

dXnY_x/�