Published in Human Parts·Aug 26, 2019Member-onlyIn Defense of Twitter’s ‘Reply Guy’Online harassers have poisoned Twitter, but we can still find space for normal conversation, right? — Hello. My name is Andrew, and I’m a Reply Guy. Twitter is my life’s one major addiction. The same way gambling addicts feed quarters into a slot machine hoping for a jackpot, I refresh my timeline for breaking news, calls for pitches, snarky jokes, and other miscellaneous inanities more often…Twitter5 min read
Oct 11, 2018This Is A House Of Afghan War Veterans, And I’ll Be Damned If Big Government Thinks They Can End Our Way Of Life“Today, for the first time in history, a young American can enlist to fight in a US war that started before he or she was born.” — Buzzfeed News I’m a soldier in the Afghan War, have been for going on eighteen years now. I come from a family of…Afghanistan4 min read
Oct 4, 2018I’m FBI Trainee Clarice Starling, and After Three Days of Exhaustive Research, I Believe We Can Finally Close the Case on Buffalo BillGood morning, everyone. My name is Clarice Starling. I’m an FBI trainee, and have been assisting with the Bureau’s recent investigation into a string of serial murders supposedly linked to an individual some of the more macabre among us dubbed “Buffalo Bill.” This anonymous killer terrorized the country for the…Crime4 min read
Published in RollingStone·Jul 24, 2018Member-onlyNathan Bernard: Meet the Man Trolling the Alt-Right on TwitterBernard and his buddies are beating Mike Cernovich, Baked Alaska and other far-right personalities at their own sordid online games — but how low is too low? — It took roughly four hours for Nathan Bernard to build a direct line to the president. Bernard, an app developer and self-taught coder, noticed the same handful of pro-Trump Twitter accounts consistently responding first each time Donald sent out one of his grammatically questionable, 140-character-or-less messages in the months leading…Social Media10 min read
Jul 20, 2018Marvel Presents: Infinity CampaignsWelcome to San Diego Comic-Con, everyone! I know you all have been waiting in line all day for our big Marvel panel, and what a panel it’s been so far! Did y’all like seeing Chris Evans moonwalk across the stage? I sure did. So…we’ve got one more announcement for you…Movies4 min read
Jun 28, 2018I’m Beginning to Think Our Societal System of Sacrificing People to the Corn God Might Be a Bit OutdatedHey, Malachai, thanks for taking a moment to talk with me. I know you’re a busy kid, what with managing the flock and getting ready for the evening sacrifice and all that. Wanted to get your opinion on something real quick, feel free to toss it back my way —…Humor3 min read
May 17, 2018Thank You For Your Generous Donation To Our Synagogue in Hopes of Ushering in Your ApocalypseWow. I don’t know what to say, reverend. You and your congregants have outdone yourselves, really. This might be the biggest single donation this synagogue has ever received. I’m truly speechless. I’m sure you heard about our building’s structural problems, and just how much it would cost us in repairs…Judaism3 min read
Mar 12, 2018Member-onlyThe Comforting Insanity of CreepypastaHow an online repository of horror fiction feels more real than ever in a post-Trump world — There’s something particularly — some might say obviously — horrific about the boogeymen of the real world. Everything they do, no matter how corrupt, vile, or sadistic, occurs within a realm of possibility, and no amount of reassurance changes that. Whispering “it’s only a story” doesn’t work. Every headline seems…Horror7 min read
