It has been a while AAV. I’ve been keeping a personal journal, which I just started back up again. There has been so much that’s happened since the last post(AAV: Rejection) so I’ll try to keep things brief to keep this post from being a novel.
So the last post was made January 22nd, I think motivated by being rejected by a girl. Not sure which one particularly, but that’s besides the point.
After that was school, where I stumbled upon my talent with a camera, both video and photo. I have since launched my own business, and I travel both for work and personal, shooting videos and taking pictures.
After graduation, I was in Kentucky staying with some friends, then I went to Georgia, and went back to Georgia for a Catholic Summer Retreat. This segways into what the title is about.
See, this camp was the second time I went to it and it was just as life changing. Last year I had met and fell in love with this girl, named Rachel. None of these names are their actual names, just fyi. But the stories, couldn’t be any realer.
When I first met Rachel, we were genuinely a platonic relationship, both looking to mutually support each other in our growing faith with Jesus. We struggled with the same sins which made us exceptionally close relative to the time we knew each other, but also realized we enjoyed each others presence as well.
Couple weeks go by and I realize that I’m starting to develop feelings for this girl. And me, being the intensely confident and passionate guy that I am, just tell her directly over FaceTime.
To my surprise, she tells me the feeling is mutual. And I’m ecstatic. I’m on top of the world. She was pretty, funny, we thought so alike, we would talk for hours and never tire of each other. I, for the longest time, thought she was the one. And if not, pretty close.
From her talks of traveling the world ( a common aspiration) to her very specific habits around peanut butter (licking off a spoon is okay, but not eating it directly), I loved all her quirks, her habits, and even her problems. I had never felt so close to anyone, even if we were 600 miles apart.
In the end, it didn’t work out. She told me about her conflictions between me and another guy, one that was on the football team and went to her school. Cliche I know, but it is what it is. For several months after this we didn’t talk but time heals all wounds and I saw her yesterday, at the time of this writing.
It made me realize why we became friends in the first place, and what a catch it would’ve been if we had dated. God has a plan for each and everyone of us however, so if she’s not the one, there’s someone out there that is. Regardless, I probably won’t see Rachel until the next time I visit Ohio, but seeing her after a year made me cherish our friendship.
To this day, I still think I have not met anyone that I have liked. Rachel will always have a special place in my heart, and I like to think there’s a place for me in her heart as well.
So what are the chances that when I return to this same camp this year, I get interested in a different girl from the same city?
Becky + Zelda
Did I say girl? I meant girls. Yikes I know, my life is a series of unfortunate events. My love life is at least, to the point that I find it comical.
So Becky and Zelda are from the same youth group which makes things a lot easier. I caught interest in Becky when I first saw her, and started talking to her because of a mutual friend.
The mutual friend? Rachel. Small world huh? Yeah I was baffled too. If Rachel was the golden standard for me, Becky was the first girl I knew in a while that came close to it.
We became close very quickly, and we can go maybe 15 seconds without laughing. After my experience with Rachel, I knew pursuing a relationship with Becky was wishful thinking at this point.
Even if she did have mutual feelings (she didn’t) she also lived in Ohio. I’m slowly coming to the idea that long distance relationships don’t happen. As in, relationships that have situations that cause them to become LDR are possible, but relationships that start as LDR don’t.
Maybe my perspective is skewed by a pessimistic personal experience, but I always try to make sense of the things that occur to me and this seems like the most logical conclusion to me.
But I was quickly dissuaded when I figured out she was interested in a guy from Atlanta, so I dismissed that very quickly. It wasn’t only until I talked to Zelda that I came back around to Becky.
Writing this out to make sense of it has made realize how much of an emotional wreck I’ve been lately. For anyone else looking at this, I’m not really sure if this is going to make sense or what you will think of me. All I know is that this is therapeutic, and that’s my main motivation for doing this.
Zelda was the supportive, amazing friend of Becky. She helped me get over Becky, and next thing I know I’m talking to her. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t super flirtatious, because she deserves someone that could devote themselves 100% to her. She deserves so much better then me, and I really do hope that she finds that.
Zelda was the first time the girl liked me way more then I liked her, so it was a new experience. She was super sweet, and we talked to hours also. Feelings were mutual, but something was missing. I’m in Ohio currently, I arrived 7/15/17 and depart 7/22/17 just for some background information.
When I saw her there was no slow motion, there was no increased heart rate, there was no magic. I feel horrible for saying this, but looking back at it, she was my emotional rebound. I never expected to be that kind of guy, and this is why I say that she deserves better then this.
Sadly (perhaps luckily) her parents shut down the whole idea of us being a relationship, so there was nothing I could do. Things haven’t been the same since, but we’re on speaking terms.
So after that, I kind of pursued semi-seriously Becky. I was very aware that it was wishful thinking and didn’t really think anything was going to happen. But at the same time I thought maybe, just maybe, something could arise from this.
Long story short, nope. Almost endangered our friendship, which scares me most. Becky is a confidential person when it comes to feelings, so when I received that text telling me how she didn’t feel the same for me, I knew it took a lot of guts from her.
I had told her in the past just to be straight up with me, as I could take it and it just makes things easier. You could say I got what I asked for. Sure it stung, and it didn’t help I was in Ohio at the time, but rejections are a part of life so like every other one in the past, it was shrugged off my shoulder literally within 60 minutes.
When I saw her later that week, things were awkward for maybe the first five minutes. The worse five minutes, my heart sunk, the fear of having lost a good friend of mine. Those fears were for nothing, as we were back to our good old selves before the night was over.
I quickly got over it, and just focused on being the best friend I could be to her. Just enjoying each others presence in this week that I have up here, and making the best memories I possibly could.
Sadly(Thankfully?) I am ineligible to return to the camp for a third year as it is only for high schoolers. It is possible I could return as a summer camp missionary and be the photographer/videographer, but not only would it be inappropriate for staff to fraternize too heavily with a single youth group, but not feasible too.
With college just around the corner, and a girl in mind, I’m looking to ending this chapter for good and starting a new one. I’m excited for the future, more then I’ve ever been.