
Why will I never date a Peter Pan again
DISCLAIMER: This is not crazy-ex-girlfriend revenge post. This article was discussed with my ex Peter Pan, edited by several amazing men and proofread by a few great girlfriends who dated Peters. Based on real stories and personal research. No Peter Pans were hurt while this article was created.
In 1983 psychologist Dan Kiley released the book The Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up which popularized the term “Peter Pan” in pop culture, identifying it with someone who is socially immature and acts like a famous name-fellow character.
Immaturity of such a person can reveal itself in many aspects of life, starting from the inability to take responsibility or care of another, working only pleasurable jobs, never committing to anything or anyone, to not being able to physically take care of oneself, like doing laundry or cleaning the house.

Peter Pans are usually perfect at dating, they are romantic, sweet and try hard for the first couple of months. They are playful like kids, often great lovers, they know how to enjoy life, without “paying the bills”. Dating Peter Pan can be the most romantic adventure you will ever have. Mr. Charming will take you to his Neverland full of fireworks, beaches, waterfalls and magic dust. Where kids never have to grow up.
The Dark Side of Neverland
As a tech entrepreneur, I love to analyze and build frameworks to explain social concepts, belief systems and life in general. Originally coming from Ukraine, I traveled the world and was lucky enough to be exposed to different cultures. For the 3 past years, I’ve been living in San Francisco, California, in my opinion, the capital of Neverland. I’ve been on dates, in long-term relationships, and feel like have a right to speak up and share my learnings that are purely based on my own worldview and stories of my close friends.
I’ve realized that there is the whole social segment of men, in the late 30ies, or even 40ies who act like teenagers. Usually, they don’t have major goals or achievements in life. You will see this slightly aged boys, with wrinkled faces but big smiles, in a perfect physical shape, obsessed with their youth. They were never married and barely tried being in a long-term relationship. Usually, it never worked out longer than a year or two. They are passionate about their hobbies, music, dancing, games, surfing, or any kind of entertainment. They dance on the beaches, play and do everything that kids would do.
When it might sound fun and amusing, there are several aspects of these type of relationships we should be aware of.
- Both of you will love one person
The problems will start if the woman will start imagining that he will make her a queen of his Neverland. Only later it will become clear that for Peter Pan there is nothing more important in his life than his adventures and his freedom. If you hear “I need more space” when you get emotionally closer, “Let me be me” when you ask to do something that is important for you, “Love me for who I am” when the compromise in relationships should happen, there is a very high chance that there is a Peter Pan in front of you.
Women fall in love with Peter Pans, because it’s natural and extremely easy, they are very sensitive, emotional and magical. Peter will be enjoying care, accepting gifts, absorbing love, but there always will be a feeling that something is missing. The mature woman will feel that she works a little harder and gives a little more walking a one-way street.
The truth is, he is the man of his own character. Peter doesn’t know how to love the person, but not the reflection of himself in this person. The moment you’ll start asking actions in return, Peter and his love most possibly will vanish.
2. He’s not made for a family
Are you dreaming about kids? Well, Peter can be your child. He will take all the love and attention you can give. These men are perfect kids.
At some point, Peter Pans stop their personal development and got stuck in immaturity. Usually, it happens over emotional trauma, the divorce of parents or conditions in which Peter Pans are growing up. If they were spoiled by parents or were never taught to take responsibility in the early years, they simply don’t have this skill.
Having own family seems like something that limits their freedom of self-expression, something preventing them from having fun. They heard that building a family requires work, and hard work is simply not something this type of man is looking for. So if you hear “I’m not sure family is for me”, “I might not be the right person for you”, just believe him. He is not.
3. He won’t grow up
The hard thing to accept and understand is Peter Pans are not the bad guys. They are rather innocent kids that don’t grow up and it’s not your fault and responsibility to make them an adult.
If you are “Wendy”, mature, secure and looking for a partner in your life who you can co-create relationships with, who is ready to work hard, sometimes sacrifice, because that’s what it takes to raise kids, this partner is not a good choice for you. Your Peter is simply not that kind of guy. Don’t try to “save” or change him. Even if you succeed, it will make your partner deeply unhappy, he will lose part of his magic, his “ability to fly”. And I don’t think you want to deal with 40-years old depressed boy without direction in life.
4. He will lose attraction
In attachment theory proposed by Rachel S. F. Heller, Amir Levine in a book “Attached” authors introduce 3 types of attachment that people might have: Secure, Anxious and Avoidant. I haven’t found a research proving this point, but I’ve been noticing that Peter Pans are usually representing the Avoidant type of attachment.
You know those type of people attracted only when they can’t have it? That’s the Avoidant kind. The closer couple will get emotionally (share life) and physically (move in together) the less attraction Avoidant Peter will feel. Old toys are not as fun and enjoyable as new ones. So often Peter Pans, in a search for excitement and entertainment of playing with a new toy will be cheating or living in open relationships, trying polyamory or otherwise struggling to be with one partner. Spark will go away after the real life will kick in. It’s usually a surprise for women when such a passionate lover became sexually passive. The answer is very simple, he is not attracted to the closeness and idea of committing with one person for the whole life. It terrifies Peter Pans. Where the fear is there is no place for love and sexuality.
5. Closing relationships and moving on
“Just always be waiting for me.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
Peter Pan that ended up in serious relationships may try to turn it back into dating stage. It might spice feelings and make a woman attractive to him again. Which can be explained by the fact of release from the pressure of responsibility and emotion of feeling “trapped”.
Rarely it will work and save the relationships. After the breakup, Peter Pan will look for new toys and new distractions to play with. Drugs, parties, young girls. This type of men usually delete social media evidence of previous partners and do their best on moving on fast without learning the hard lessons. Peter Pans are doing a great job of presenting a public image of happiness and success.
Hint: if you never saw ex-girlfriends of your man it means that he doesn’t know how to keep relationships after the breakup, and even if he made you feel different, you most probably won’t be an exception.
Conclusion
Peter Pans pretend to be extremely happy. On social media, you will find them posting about true love, connection, incredible adventures, but in reality, they are often lonely and empty. They are happy as long as “music plays”, and if things will get a little harder and real they will get sad and actionless.
Although, they are perfectly fine and comfortable where they are. Growing is painful. It requires facing fears and going through traumas. Spending time alone, in quiet, crying sometimes, getting emotionally naked, feeling the deepest pain and then integrating the lessons every day. If the person decided not to grow up during the last 20 years, there is a very low possibility it will happen now.
We have to face it, Peter Pans won’t meet the needs of a mature woman.
Dear women, be responsible for your own happiness, stop, think, and make the decision for yourself. Find a man who is able of listening, growing and loving you back, because you deserve it.
If you’ll decide to stay and love Peter, you will have to fully accept his childish nature, and either become a mom or stay a forever-child in his Neverland.
“You need not be sorry for her. She was one of the kind that likes to grow up. In the end she grew up of her own free will a day quicker than the other girls.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan
Dear Peter Pans, I love you!
You are amazing, fun, creative, sometimes even really talented, you are great as party friends, romantic dates, lovers and I have only two requests for you:
- Please, become the best Peter Pans you could be and own this title! Communicate your needs and wants early on. Don’t promise things you can’t fulfill.

2. Don’t get into relationships with women who have serious plans on life. You will waste their time and hurt someone’s, beautiful heart. Choose more immature girls or Tinker Bell who will dedicate her life to serving you without asking anything in return.
If you’ll choose to grow up… I am with you, my friend! It will be the hard and painful journey, but you will feel alive and will start live on an absolutely different level of awareness. You will achieve new goals, you will build strong relationships that will support you through the darkest times. Most probably your career and your finances will go up as well. You will have fewer parties, but more meaningful times with real friends and family and accountability to be The Men of your own life.
