First story here…

Have you ever sat back and just watched life? Have you ever just not spoken, not moved, made no interruptions? Let whatever happens, happen and WATCH it? I did. I observed. I read. I learned and was thoroughly taught. I did this because up until that point I had always moved. Always spoke. Always tried to be a part of life. I never understood that I was life. Everything is relative to self. What you think, what you want, what you see, hear, feel, do. It has nothing to do with the existence of the world around you. It is internal. Relative to only you.

Your perception is flawed, because you have never perceived anything but you.

Emotions are internal reactions to outside stimuli. So we have the power to feel differently. Or not feel at all.

Would it shock you if I said I have never loved someone? I don’t know how to. I can fake it. I can make a person believe that I love them with all the emotional turmoil that the books, poems, songs and movies say we are supposed to feel, but the truth is, I have never loved anyone.

I don’t know how to.

I’ve had my heartbroken a time or two, but that was more from the physical loss of an entity than anything resembling a heartfelt emotional attachment. I have been in relationships where I would fight for, protect, care about and share with another. But that was more from a sense of duty than emotional ties.

I have been told I have no sympathy, and as much as some may argue that, it’s very true. I can pretend. I do often pretend, because that is what is expected from human interactions.

I sat for two years and learned and contemplated this apparent deficiency. The result is that I am content with myself. I hope to share my life with someone else, simply because it would be nice to SHARE, but it isn’t necessary.

My emotional wellbeing is not reliant upon some sort of attachment to another human being.

Now, this does not negate the physical need of sexual desire, but sex and love are two separate things.

Life is organic, and constantly changing. We are in perpetual crisis. Always becoming. The thing is, most people want to BE and not become.

I will learn. I will watch, and I will not interrupt.

I like having my friends. I like having my family. If it all went away tomorrow I will miss them, but I will see what grows next.

I am very tired. I think I should go and sit for a spell.