Why Loneliness isn’t always a bad thing
Last year in November, I joined NaNoWriMo and did my best to write a first draft of a novel.
Writing, in most times, is a lonely work. And in the middle of writing my novel, I came up with the following output about loneliness.
Chase knows him more than anyone else who have ever existed in the world. Or in his world. They have spent almost twenty years together. He knows every detail about him. His depth. His dreams. His hopes. The lingering feelings. His fake smiles. The faltering laughter. Moist eyes almost tearing up but never did let even a drop.
His subtleties. When he moves away from the crowd. When he pushes people back. When he sits by himself on the corridors. When he opens up a book and tries to drown in the words. When he plays an instrument. The notes would speak for him. He needed not open his mouth. His waves would broadcast his feelings. When he sits on the swing and makes the swing move by pushing his feet. When he eats lunch in the cafeteria making sure no one would stare at him. Or making sure he wouldn’t make eye contact.
Chase knew all the places he could go to. School. Home. Music Club. Public Library. Recital Halls. Corridors. Busy streets. Amusement parks. He goes everywhere not getting any different feeling. It is all different yet it is all the same.
Chase became friends with loneliness from the time he was conceived by his mother. A mother he never really met. A mother he imagined and pictured and created. He named her Beth. He often called her. She lived somewhere in Europe. Perhaps, it was Germany.
Befriending loneliness was the first thing Chase ever did. He befriended loneliness before he learned how to speak.
Imagine Chase twenty years ago.
He was a cute little baby boy who was brought into this empty world. Around him was nothing. It was only darkness. Deep darkness. He crawled to different directions only to find himself in the middle of an infinitely long stretch of darkness.
That is when he met Loneliness. He was an entity apart from Chase yet he wouldn’t have come to existence without Chase. Chase created him and he was a part of Chase.
They grew up together. Discovered things together. The first letters Chase learned were A, B and C. A is for alone. B is for Beth. C is for Chase. He learned numbers starting with zero, with nothing. Because at first there was nothing around. And then he came to be. There was one. And then Loneliness, there were two. He learned colours. First, it was the colour black which was brought by the darkness. Second was white, it was Loneliness’ colour. Third is grey — that was the colour of the sky when Chase started building his world.
Chase didn’t grow up in the same way most people would. He didn’t have real parents to raise him. He made parents for himself. How did he learn about the concept of parents? Loneliness taught him.
Loneliness taught him that parents give birth to children. That parents would be there to raise the children until they are mature enough to be on their own. When the children reached a certain level of independence, the time when they must go their separate ways would come. When did Chase learn of this? He learned of it from when he was five. From birth until then, it was Loneliness who took care of him. It was Loneliness alone. He didn’t need anybody’s help. He did it on his own. He knew he can and he was right.
I don’t intend to explain why I think loneliness isn’t a bad thing. It is just that it is exactly what I felt while writing about loneliness.
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