Pokemon HBOGO’s The Newsroom

It’s chaos in the tall skyscraper headquarters of BigCorp MediaConglom’s flagship television station, WBA-LGBTQ “The Station.” At the big mahogany desk sits the Network President, Sam “Eyebrows” Waterston. Waterston is dejected, pleading, and shaking his head into the phone receiver. He’s talking to his CEO, Patricia “The Business Bitch” Walkens, and she’s livid. Just from the tone of her voice, you can tell she doesn’t give a hoot about journalistic integrity or the search for the truth or antihackery nonpartisanship or even the memory of Walter Kronkyte. She’s got a fiduciary duty to the shareholders, and that sonofabitch lead news anchor is cutting into their sweet cash-money profits by failing to give wall-to-wall coverage of Donald J. Trump. Waterston tries to explain that the man is just a newshound, he can’t control it, he just sniffs out wherever the news takes him. “Then put the hound on a goddamn leash,” she warns, “Or I’ll personally have the both of you put down.” Through Waterston’s speaker, you can hear her slam the receiver. Waterston sighs, then looks up. Jeff Newsly bursts through the door, and shoves a paper down onto Waterston’s desk.

JEFF “THE NEWS” NEWLSY: What the fuck is this memo supposed to be Sam? They can’t tell me how to do my job! The can’t tell me how to do the news!

SAM “EYEBROWS” WATERSTON: I’m sorry Jeff. I tried to stop her. She went over my head this time.

JEFF “JUST THE FACTS” NEWSLY: The Board doesn’t decide what the news is! The shareholder’s can’t tell me what the news is! Only I decide what the news is!

“EYEBROWS”: Back in my day, people didn’t just care about making a quick buck. The truth was our currency. But what can you do. This Trump guy, he brings the ratings, baby. What can you do.

JEFF “THESE AND MORE STORIES” NEWSLY: What good are ratings when we’ve bankrupted our values? What good is money when we’ve drained the checking account on our soul?

“EYEBROWS”: Jeffy, baby, there’s no way around it. You’ve got to run the Donald in the A-Block.

JEFF “NO KAREN I HAVEN’T SIGNED THE DIVORCE PAPERS” NEWLSY: It used to be that you could go out there and be a real newsman. Tell the truth. Have reasoned debates. Drink your scotch neat. Let Bill Buckley call a guy a queer on live television.

“EYEBROWS”: The times have changed, old friend! If it were up to me, I’d say screw ‘em all! Screw the shareholders and the sponsors and the CFO’s and the VP’s and Patricia “the Business Bitch” Walkens’ idiot son and all the rest of them! But Newsly, I’m warning you: If you don’t run Trump in that A-block tonight, you’re taking a big risk.

JEFF “MOTHERFUCKIN” NEWSLY: [cautiously] And what risk is that?

“EYEBROWS”: [winks] The risk of…Making America all it can be.

Both men fart simultaneously. End scene. Cut to the newsroom floor, where Jeff Newsly is pacing around, walking and talking, and asking his staff to give him everything they’ve got.

JEFF “JEFF” NEWSLY: Look, team! If we’re going to bump Dangerous Donald from the A-block, we have to do it right! Find me the best news story!

JIM “THE JIM HALPERT GUY” HALPERT: What about Syria?

NEWSLY: There’s no pizzaz! Get me something flashy! Something with a tech angle!

LEGS “JIM HALPERT’S LOVE INTEREST” McGOO: Secretary Clinton’s latest email release shows tha-

NEWSLY: Boring! Everyone knows she’s innocent! And I don’t have time to learn what “a server” is right now!

“THE OTHER WHITE GUY PRODUCER:” Black lives matter protests have been trending on all the social media. Some of the tweets are, quite frankly, not a good look.

NEWSLY: It’s no good! I can’t not use Trump and replace him with the people who’s divisive rhetoric caused Trump!

STACY “JEFF’S EX WIFE” AUSTRALIA: Just go out there and be the man I know you can be, Newsly! Balls to the wall!

NEWSLY: Every great story needs a great man to tell it. I can be that man. Get me the story, team!

ANOOP “THE ONE WHO CAN CODE” KHAN: Wait…I think I’ve got it.

[Team hurriedly circles around Khan’s desktop]

ANOOP “PREDICTED OCCUPY WALLSTREET” KHAN: It’s the newest viral craze, baby. It’s like ingress, but with a big whiff of 90’s nostalgia. It’s taking millenials by storm. But as it turns out, it might just be, shall we say, problematic?

JEFF “NYT LICKER” NEWSLY: Yes, this is it. Tell me more.

ANOOP “BIGFOOT ENTHUSIAST” KHAN: It’s called “Pokemon Go.” You walk around with your phone in an “augmented reality” catching wild monsters, battling your friends, and leveling your creatures up. But this seemingly harmless fun has revealed the limits of being a POC in America, who can’t just walk around free from the spectre of having their hair touched by hopelessly under-informed white “allys.”

NEWSLY: Augmented reality, eh? Sounds like the last refuge of the BernieBros, if you ask me.

KHAN: What’s more, this game allows you to set something called “lures,” in order to attract people with the supposed prize of a rare Pokemon. In a move everyone quite frankly should have seen coming, vicious knockout artist thugs are using this technique to lure in innocent victims in order to make new viral content for the known-terrorist organization WorldStar HipHop.

NEWSLY: I’ve heard enough. Everyone, work on this. We’re going to Bump Trump from the A-Block, all the way down through the C, D, E, and Get-the-F-Outta-My-News-Broadcast Block. That’s right: We’re a go for a full hour-length special on this “Pokemon Go.”

[All cheer]

OLIVIA MUNN: I want to kiss Pikachu. You might think I’m only saying this because I always do this over-performative “hot nerd girl” role in all of my shows but that’s not true. I love him. I want to kiss him on the forehead and on the mouth over and over again. I want to kiss Pikachu.

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