“Being gifted and disabled can sometimes feel like having a Ferrari with the accelerator and the brake pressed at the same time.”
“Twice-Exceptional” describes someone who is simultaneously gifted in some areas and disabled in others. For example, someone with outstanding athletic abilities who struggles with attention and memory, or someone with excellent academic abilities who struggles with social skills, or someone who is a musical talent but has a physical disability, would all be “twice-exceptional” (2e for short).
In my case, I am (or was, before life intervened) an intellectually talented autistic person, who also lives with physical disabilities since my teenage years. As a child, I was academically gifted, “but” autistic.
Here are some tips for parenting a 2e autistic child (if the exceptionality is not about autism, not all of these would apply, but there will be some overlap):
- This is an obvious one, but: everyone is first and foremost a human. Being 2e and sticking out like a sore thumb everywhere can make you yearn to just be seen as a regular person. Keep this in mind when you think about your child.
- Remember that intellectual smartness isn’t maturity. Even when they speak or act like they’re older, they’re actually their age or younger in emotional maturity.
- They will be aware of their difference from a very young age (in my case, before nursery). This will often create a lot of shame about being different from their peers. Making sure to keep a light-hearted/ shame-free environment at home will build the foundations of trust and self-esteem.
- They will need to know the why of everything. Never expect them to follow something without a why. Be prepared to welcome their questioning attitude, they are not questioning you, but making sense of the rules.
- Teach and model emotional skills as much as possible. You can ask “What are you feeling?” and try to help them understand why (what triggered the feeling etc). Help them to understand the purpose of different feelings and acknowledge that their internal world is valid. As a rule, the world will constantly tell them that their feelings don’t make sense.
- Teach and model social skills as much as possible. By that I don’t mean expect your child (or yourself) to become neurotypical — absolutely, that would be very harmful. But you can help your child making sense of other people’s reactions, relationships, expectations and beliefs, etc. Being neurodivergent is like speaking a different language sometimes, and we need interpreters to make sense of it.
- Try and make sure that they know the feeling of being loved and valued by a community beyond family (family friends, extended family, local neighbours, etc). Being twice-exceptional often comes with a twice-exceptional sense of marginalization, too. They will remember the feeling of belonging once they venture into wider society.
- Take every opportunity to help them develop a sense of worth outside of being “smart”. It’s good to also celebrate their talent (it’s part of who they are, and it’s important to acknowledge it), but spread your praise. They will likely develop perfectionist tendencies. If you genuinely celebrate other parts of themselves, they will feel less of a need to be perfect to compensate for their perceived deficiency in other areas.
- Make sure that they can trust you to report bullying or exclusion. Take any kind of report of social difficulties seriously (no need to panic! But it’s important to acknowledge how significant they are for your child). Things don’t just resolve with time when you are 2e, they usually get worse with time (or may suddenly “improve” once the child starts masking out of fear). Unfortunately the level of cruelty that autistic children can sometimes be subjected to cannot be underestimated, bullying is extremely common and it is one of the many scars of our community. If they mention social difficulties once or twice and they don’t find any reaction from your side, they might simply stop reporting it, so it’s important to let them know that you are present.
- They will need a lot of intellectual stimulation. It’s a physical need for them. Feed their curiosity and help them find other gifted (or even better, 2e) peers if you can. Otherwise, the 2e experience can get very lonely. It’s like carrying a whole world which is very exciting for you, but no one else is interested.
- They likely already have a very developed sense of ethics and justice. The mere existence of injustice or violence can be profoundly shocking to them, and feel like a personal wound. Be mindful of that, let them know that they are not crazy. They simply can’t normalize what people can ignore or don’t even notice, and in that sense they may naturally see beyond the current culture of the society they were born into.
- Similarly, they may have existential questions. I was around 5 or 6 when I realized that one day I would die. I also asked my mother what’s beyond the universe. These were perfectly natural questions for me (they still are). It may be helpful to give them some age-appropriate answers as to not leave questions spinning in their mind.
- Help them to get a sense of their strengths and weaknesses. The more they know themselves, the better they will be able to decide well for their future. Window of tolerance, sensory needs, personality traits, sources of joy and anxiety, social needs, energy levels, interests, environmental needs (what kind of physical environment they need to thrive), best way for them to focus, etc.
- Because they are gifted, they likely have a strong sense of potential. But because they are 2e, they will often feel like they are not living up to this potential, and it may be true. Don’t feed unreal expectations, but equally don’t just immediately accept that they can’t do X thing just because they are autistic. Being gifted and disabled in my experience feels having a Ferrari with the accelerator and the brake pressed at the same time. It can be maddening sometimes. Art or sport can help your child to express themselves and release some tension.
