My Son Thinks I’m Extraordinary, Even When I Don’t

The alarm goes off again as my boy fades.

Nurses rush in and check his sats,

they increase the oxygen. They increase it again…

He finally responds.

His blue-gray eyes open with a smile.

“Mommy! You came back!” he says to me with joy.

My heart is racing, my hands are sweating, I want to cry.

I gaze at my happy (but sick) 3-year-old and I smile back at him.

My smile pushes through the stress and anxiety, the tests and procedures. I smile through his pain and recovery.

I smile because my son needs to know that he’s safe. He needs to know that everything is going to be ok (even if it might not be).

I smile even when I don’t feel like it because I’m his mom. He needs me, and he gets me

but then I leave the room and I break down. My tears flow with thoughts of “what-if.” I give myself time and I wipe my tears. I walk back through the hospital room door.

“Want to paint, Little Buck?” I ask my son.

“Yeah, Mommy! Let’s paint a picture of YOU!”

I’m tired and weary and sitting in this hospital room makes me feel like I failed my son. I hope he doesn’t see my sad eyes. I hope he sees my strength instead.

“Look Mommy! You’re so shiny and perfect!” he observes as he paints my picture.

My son thinks I’m extraordinary, even when I don’t.

Who am I to disagree?

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Andrea loves gardening, traveling, making art, writing, and playing. She is passionate about advocating for her son and herself. Her articles about prematurity and parenting a child with extra needs have been published on The Huffington Post, The Mighty, You and Me Medical Magazine, BlogHer, and Preemie Babies 101.

She’s a stay-at-home-mom to her warrior son, Jaxson, who was born prematurely at only twenty-three weeks gestation. Being such an early preemie, he has faced a number of obstacles including a three month NICU stay, multiple surgeries, a developmental delay, ADHD, and a brain tumor. He is a hilarious and curious preschooler who recently learned to say “Hey, watch THIS!”

You can find Andrea at www.AnEarlyStartBlog.com where she writes about her family’s story of love, hope, and survival.

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