Please Sign My Change.org Petition for Congress to Institute these 9 Weird Loopholes That Could Theoretically Stop Donald Trump’s Presidential Inauguration!
Jan 18, 2017 · 4 min read
If the Electoral College convenes for a second time at the Presidential Inauguration, and records an amazing flashmob that ends with all 538 of them down on one knee, singing “Did you really ever expect us to not follow the rules of this sacrosanct institution we swore to uphold and not vote for Donald Trump?,” to the tune of whatever Fetty Wap song is currently cool, Donald Trump will be warmed right down to the cockles of his heart and just hand the keys to The White House over to Joe Biden. Congrats Joe, you earned it! We just need Congress to convene the Electoral College again sometime today or tomorrow,it’s that simple. The rest will happen naturally (I’m assuming Friday morning is out). Note: In this specific loophole, Donald Trump will still receive a participation trophy.
- If Hillary Clinton finally releases her First Lady cookie recipe, and the ingredients are secretly an acrostic poem that spells out “DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY,” she will be crowned the “Yas Queen” of America.
- If Chief Justice John Roberts goes to shake Donald Trump’s hand at the Inauguration, and does that cool fake handshake where you pretend you’re gonna shake, but instead at the last minute you SWOOP past your unwitting mark’s hand and smooth out the side of your hair, Justice John Roberts will become our next President. Note that this law will only apply to Chief Justice John Roberts, not all Chief Justices, unless there is a future Chief Justice with hair even better than him.
- If every single person in America boycotts watching the inauguration, and watches Jean Claude Van Damme’s Bloodsport on TBS instead, Donald Trump will hear about it right before he goes out onto the inaugural dais, and since it’s his favorite movie, rush off to find the nearest television set to watch Bloodsport instead! Also, Ted Turner, if you have read to the end of my Change.org petition, could you please just keep Bloodsport on loop on TBS for 4–8 years please, with The Shawshank Redemption on TNT as a solid back-up.
- Remember when Senator Lindsey Graham said that if Senator Ted Cruz was murdered on the Senate Floor, the murderer wouldn’t be found guilty because every Senator hates Ted Cruz so much? What if that was a law? This one doesn’t have anything to do with Donald Trump, it was just so crazy it would be cool for it to be codified into our nation’s laws forever.
- Did you know that under its constitution, Texas can secede from the Union? That’s something I’ve had several drunk people tell me, and never looked up, but it makes sense in my imagination! What if Congress “flipped the script” and made Texas secede? Then neither candidate would have 270 Electoral votes, and also the NBA finals would suddenly be 150% more international than baseball’s supposed “World Series!” Seems like a win-win! Not sure who would be President after this.
- If Lorne Michaels and the cast of Saturday Night Live put together one episode that is a fawning tribute to our President-Elect, Donald Trump will realize that he made his father, Fred Trump, unbelievably proud after all, and his spirit and bodily form will disappear into a puff of golden smoke, because the spell cast on him by the powerful necromancer Zuul will finally be broken!
- If the entire cast of The West Wing records a PSA where they say that Donald Trump should totally not be president because he is mean, and it gets its one millionth ‘like’ on YouTube at exactly the moment that Donald Trump’s hand touches The Bible at his inauguration, Martin Sheen will become president instead of Donald Trump. Note: there’s a loophole in this loophole that if it’s pretty obvious that Martin Sheen just Skyped into the PSA shoot while still in his pajamas at home, then Aaron Sorkin becomes President instead, and Mike Pence is still Vice-President. By the way, Mike Pence definitely isn’t still Vice-President in all these other loopholes.
- If Bob Dylan rushes to Stockholm to belatedly accept his Nobel Prize, and then just gives it to Donald Trump for The Art of the Deal, Donald Trump will suddenly be regarded as a liberal elite artist out of touch with the real America instead of as a down-to-earth alleged billionaire, and be immediately recalled.
- On the back of Lincoln’s head in the Lincoln Memorial, the National Parks Service has installed an emergency lever. If Sasha Obama stands on Malia Obama’s shoulders, inside of a trench coat, a simple retina scan will allow her to pull the emergency lever, which will awaken the marble statue. When the stone giant shudders awake, it will wield the Washington Monument as a fearsome broad sword and chase all injustice and inequality from our nation, while also becoming our first stone President! Marble Giant Abe Lincoln is totally into The Affordable Care Act, FYI.
- Now we just need Congress to pass all of these into loopholes into law! Easy! Remember to call your Senators and Congressperson today!
